“Do something that’s never been done in the history of the Final Four.”
My 10 Commandments For Improving March Madness
“No drinks of Gatorade shall be handed out during timeouts if the time elapsed since the previous timeout has been less than one minute.”
List of Possible Responses to the Nurse Who’s Asking, "Are you 'Dad?'"
“No, I’m just the Uber driver. The boy’s mom is out in the car listening to the end of her podcast.”
The MAGA Hat Boy is Hiding the Mueller Report Underneath His MAGA Hat (And Other Unsubstantiated Rumors)
“The fracas on the National Mall was a manufactured incident, orchestrated by none other than Bob Mueller.”
Update on the World of Sports: Sports Are Currently Being Played in Many Places
Lebron James, Manny Machado, Cubs, White Sox, Bears, and a guy named Blewitt.
Hawk's Parenting Corner: The Most Cutting-Edge Baby Names You Can Find Anywhere. Plus, the Secret Meaning Behind Each Name!
“If you use this list as your guide, you are certain to end up with the most cutting-edge baby name ever, and one that will make you the envy of everyone you meet.”
Hawk’s Parenting Corner: Are You Signing Your Baby Up For Enough Classes?
“Sign your child up for classes now, enjoy shrimp cocktail later. Need I say more?”
Dear Andy Warhol, We're Suing You. Sincerely, The MAGA Hat Boy's Mommy and Daddy
“That fifteen minutes absolutely stunk. We want his fifteen minutes back, to be used again at a later date. And we want 250 million dollars.”
Hawk's Parenting Corner: The New Paradigm Shift in Potty Training
“You are about to find out that potty training can be fun! Here are the newest and most cutting-edge tips to revolutionize your potty training experience with your child.”
“It’s Getting Crowded in Here, Jimmy Butler,” and Other Highlights From the NBA Trade Deadline
“Alright, it’s getting crowded in here. Everyone out! Everyone out, c’mon. Not you Scotty, not you Number Two, not you Frau, not you Goldmember. Not you guys back there, not you henchman holding wrench, not you person arbitrarily turning knobs making it seem like you’re doing something.”
Hawk's Parenting Corner: How to Make Friends with a Bunch of Fancy-Pants Parents at the Playground
“Go when there’s absolutely gorgeous weather. The only time you’ll find a bunch of fancy-pants parents in the park is when it’s absolutely gorgeous weather.”
Great Gimmicks in TV Commercial History
“Well, you’re talking about it right now, so I guess it worked!”
And, in bonus coverage, my pick for greatest TV commercial of all time.
The NFL’s Tainted Super Bowl—A Look at this Weekend’s Big Game
“2019 will long be remembered as the year the Saints were robbed.”
Hawk's Parenting Corner: “Guess What?” Here’s a New Parenting Trick That You’re Going To Try, Then Quit Doing After Five Minutes Because It’s A Total Waste of Time!
“Guess what? You’re going to see your child perk up every time you speak to them from now on. They’re going to be eagerly hanging on to your every syllable.”
How Much More Juice Can We Squeeze Out of the MAGA Hat Boy Story? Plenty, That’s How Much.
"You’ve been reading about the MAGA Hat Boy, and you can expect to keep reading about the MAGA Hat Boy for the foreseeable future. That is, if I have anything to say about it.”
My contribution to the ongoing debate about that kid and the elderly Marine veteran. What better way to kick off my blog?
“Please don’t expel me. If anything, I feel I should be rewarded for valor, for successfully de-escalating a volatile situation by smirking in the face of an elderly Marine veteran.”