Dear Final Four Coach, Get Your Dry Cleaning Endorsement Deal Ironed Out Now! (Pun Intended)
Dear Final Four Coach,
It’s time to do what’s never been done before. The odds have been stacked against it for some time. It’s never happened in all of Final Four history. Nevertheless, I believe in you! You can get it done!
Get what done, you ask? It’s time to aggressively pursue a dry cleaning endorsement deal!
Next weekend, your team will play before a national audience in the Final Four. You’ll be wearing a top-of-the-line suit you picked up from JoS. A. Bank. After the game, in all likelihood, you’ll be hugging, chest bumping, and getting tackled by players who are drenched in sweat. You’ll get doused with water. You’ll get doused with Gatorade. All while wearing a non-machine washable jacket, pants, and tie.
After the game next weekend, you’ll to need to dry clean your impeccably-tailored suit. Why not parlay that dry cleaning trip into a little extra cash for yourself?
Here’s what needs to happen:
This week, before the Final Four, your agent will find a dry cleaner who wants to capitalize on the advertisement opportunity of a lifetime. Your agent will negotiate a big, fat endorsement deal with the dry cleaner. CBS, the TV network airing the Final Four, will get a cut of the deal in exchange for their cooperation.
After the game, which you promise the dry cleaner you will win, your sweaty players will mob you. Hugs, exuberant high fives, jumping around, and yelling will ensue. Water and Gatorade will be spilled.
CBS’s Tracy Wolfson will approach you for the post game interview.
Tracy Wolfson: “Wow, coach, you are soaked! And this is a beautiful suit! What is it, a wool/silk blend? I have to tell you, Coach, you smell like the inside of a gym bag right now. You must have sweated through your suit all game long, and now your sweaty players have been clinging to you and dumping Gatorade on you. Are you going to have to toss that suit in a dumpster tomorrow morning, or what?”
You: “No, Tracy, even though it looks like I just ruined a brand new suit, I’ve actually had it for years.”
Tracy: “No way, Coach. That can’t be true.”
You: “Yep. The good folks at Skyline Cleaners in Charlottesville, Virginia take care of all my dry cleaning needs. They’re going to get this suit cleaned, pressed, and smelling fresh as a daisy within 24 hours. That’s Skyline Cleaners in Charlottesville, Virginia, located in the Barracks Road Shopping Center, open every day except Sunday.”
That entire exchange will air on national TV, to an audience of millions. That’s some big time exposure for a dry cleaning business! All they have to do is pony up a nice chunk of cash before the Final Four, and it’s a done deal.
Coach, get in contact with your agent today. Get that dry cleaning endorsement deal done and take advantage of a golden opportunity.
Do something that’s never been done in the history of the Final Four. Up until now, it’s just been a simple gathering of students who happen to be athletes, competing for basketball bragging rights.
This year will be much the same, only now you are going to squeeze in a moment of opportune advertising and, finally, someone is going to make a few dollars off of this momentous event called the Final Four!
Don’t tell the players about your little side deal, though. If they find out, they might become jealous and try to get endorsement deals for themselves, too. I repeat, do not allow the students who happen to be athletes to find out that there is money-making potential in the Final Four!
If they do somehow find out, don't panic-- just tell them that the education they're getting is worth far more than any amount of money that the world could offer.
Be sure NOT to remind them that they’ve been missing that precious education for the past month or so, as they’ve criss-crossed the country, playing in basketball games that helped them qualify for the big Final Four!
Congratulations and enjoy the Final Four,
Hawk Gates
P.S. Ssshhhhhh!
