The MAGA Hat Boy is Hiding the Mueller Report Underneath His MAGA Hat (And Other Unsubstantiated Rumors)

The Mueller Report is signed, sealed, and waiting to be delivered. Where can such an explosive document be safely kept until Bob Mueller is ready to release it?

It should not be kept anywhere near Washington D.C., where some opportunist is sure to come across it and leak it to the press.  

Who is one D.C. outsider who has proven that he can keep his mouth shut despite a barrage of distractions and a cacophony of noise surrounding him?  

Who stood there silently while an old man beat a drum in his face and a bunch of teenage hooligans jumped around, screaming and yelling behind him?

Who possesses plenty of empty airspace between the top of his head and the lofty crown of his red MAGA hat?

The MAGA Hat Boy, that’s who.  And that’s who has been entrusted with the safekeeping of the 16 GB flash drive which contains the one and only copy of the Mueller Report.

Where are Trump’s loyal Republican operatives going to look when they’re tracking down the Mueller Report so that they can destroy it?

They’re not going to search underneath a red MAGA hat, that’s for sure.

That’s why the MAGA Hat Boy’s hat is the perfect hiding place for the Mueller Report.

Flash back to January 18 of this year.  Everyone thought that the MAGA Hat Boy was in D.C. for a pro-life march.  Far from it.

Everyone thought the Black Hebrew Israelites were just another bunch of loonies who were acting out of line on the National Mall.  Far from it.

Everyone thought Nathan Phillips was trying to break up a tense shouting match between high school students and crazy street preachers.  Far from it.

The Kentucky high schoolers were in D.C. for a pro-life march. Their classmate, the MAGA Hat Boy, came to D.C. for a different reason.

The MAGA Hat Boy, the Black Hebrew Israelites, and Nathan Phillips were all in D.C. at Bob Mueller’s behest.  

The Black Hebrew Israelites were there to provoke a shouting match with the unsuspecting high schoolers.

Nathan Phillips was there so he could appear to intercede between the two groups with his drum and his chanting.

The MAGA Hat Boy was there to stage a “standoff” with Phillips by refusing to move out of the old man’s way.

What were they really doing?  They were secretly transporting the Mueller Report to Kentucky for safekeeping.

Nathan Phillips had the 16 GB flash drive containing the Mueller Report taped inside his tribal drum.  

Remember the video footage you saw of Nathan Phillips and the MAGA Hat Boy standing toe to toe?  The frame was in tight on their faces, wasn’t it?  They stared at each other, standing uncomfortably close.  The camera remained zoomed in on their faces for quite a while.

What you didn’t see, off camera, was the pass-off.

Phillips took the 16 GB flash drive containing the Mueller Report and passed it to the MAGA Hat Boy. 

The MAGA Hat Boy held the 16 GB flash drive in his clenched fist.  When no one was looking, he slipped it into his pocket.  Later, back at the hotel, he taped it inside the crown of his voluminous red hat, where it has remained to this day.

The Mueller Report is now safe and sound in Kentucky.  Until the day Bob Mueller sends the signal to release it.

You’re probably wondering, “If all they wanted to do was transport a 16 GB flash drive, why all the fuss?  Why the dramatic incident, the TV interviews, the investigations, and the lawsuits for $525 million against the Washington Post and CNN?”  

The interviews, the lawsuits, all the hoopla—it’s a cover for what’s really going on.  The fracas on the National Mall was a manufactured incident, orchestrated by none other than Bob Mueller.  

The incident and its ensuing media coverage created a deep bond of trust between Trump and the MAGA Hat Boy.  

The MAGA Hat Boy stood up for the president by proudly donning his MAGA headgear.  The MAGA Hat Boy suffered severe public critique.  The president sympathized.  The president tweeted his support.  He’s cheering him on in the lawsuits.

And now, Trump’s flunkies would never dream of shaking him down in their effort to unearth and destroy the Mueller Report.  The MAGA Hat Boy’s red cap is the last place they’d look.  

It’s just like when you’re looking for your sunglasses. The last place you look is the top of your head.  

The last place Trump would look for the Mueller Report is the top of the MAGA Hat Boy’s head. By wriggling into Trump’s inner circle of trust, the MAGA Hat Boy has kept his secret safe.

If all of the hoopla, the interviews, and the lawsuits are just a ruse, what about the potential unintended consequences?  For example, what if the MAGA Hat Boy actually wins his defamation lawsuits against the Washington Post and CNN?

The lawsuits are a key part of the plan.  The Washington Post and CNN are going to throw the cases. They’re going to put together very weak defenses and lose on purpose.  They’re going to pay the full $525 million to the MAGA Hat Boy.  

Ostensibly, it’s going to be payment for damages and lost future income.  What is the $525 million really for, though?

It’s for the exclusive rights to the Mueller Report.  The Washington Post and CNN fork over the cash. The MAGA Hat Boy reaches inside his prized red cap, pulls out the 16 GB flash drive, and hands it over to Jeff Bezos. 

For Bezos, that 16 GB flash drive is as good as gold. 

Jeff Bezos walks briskly over to his laptop, plugs in the flash drive, and waits for the laptop to recognize it.  

“Wait, it’s not coming up,” he says.  

He unplugs it and plugs it back in.  Still nothing.  He unplugs it and blows on it.  He tries it again.  

“It’s not coming up.”

Jeff Bezos just paid nine figures for a defective flash drive.  It turns out, Bob Mueller is an excellent criminal prosecutor, but he’s terrible with technology.

Other late-breaking, yet unsubstantiated rumors:

--Trump has asked Apple CEO Tim Cook to legally change his name to “Tim Apple,” thus proving Trump to be retroactively correct when he called him “Tim Apple” last week.  

If Tim Cook refuses this request, Trump is threatening to slap a personal tariff on everything Cook buys.  

This is what Cook will hear next time he stops by his local coffee shop: “That’ll be $4.43 for your latte, Mr. Cook.  Wait, sorry, the register is telling me it’s actually going to be $4.85.”  

It’s going to be a personal trade war between Trump and Cook. 

Good thing trade wars are easy to win!  I suspect that Cook will succumb and change his name within days.

--Trump will soon purchase “Ted Talks” and he will rename them “Trump Talks.”  He has asked that each Trump Talk go completely off script every time.  

The crowd size at Trump Talks will be exaggerated by 1000 percent.  

Also, in honor of Trump’s recent record-setting two hour address at CPAC, he’d like each Trump Talk to run for two hours, minimum. 

He has asked Rudy Giuliani to give the very first Trump Talk. The title of the talk will be “No Collusion (And Even If There Was Collusion It’s Not Illegal).” 

The follow-up will be a talk by New England Patriots owner Bob Kraft.  The title will be, “Pardon Me?  Why Presidential Pardons Are The Best Path Forward For Criminal Justice Reform.”

There are some crazy rumors out there! Stay locked in with my blog so you can keep up with all the latest!