Dear Andy Warhol, We're Suing You. Sincerely, The MAGA Hat Boy's Mommy and Daddy

To:  Andy Warhol

From: The MAGA Hat Boy’s Mommy and Daddy 

Dear Andy Warhol,

This letter is to notify you that we are suing you for 250 million dollars.  You once said that everyone will have their fifteen minutes of fame.  And our son, the MAGA Hat Boy, recently had his.

We were quite disappointed with how the fifteen minutes turned out.  That’s why we’re suing you.

We thought our son’s fifteen minutes would surely be fun, if not a little bit stressful.  We all know that fame brings a measure of stress. But we thought it would mostly be fun. 

We thought maybe he’d get his picture in the paper standing next to a trophy fish he caught on vacation. 

Or maybe he’d make it onto the nightly news for scoring a bunch of points in a basketball game against his school’s arch rival in the annual “blackout” game, where once upon a time (back in the halcyon days), students used to come to the games painted in black from head to toe. (We’re suing Ralph Northam in a separate lawsuit for ruining that tradition.)

Who would have predicted that our shy, thoughtful son would have had his fifteen minutes of fame play out like this, though?  Having his picture plastered all over every newspaper and news website known to man?  Being the subject of countless “think pieces?” Imagine the horror—think pieces! I wouldn’t wish that fate on anyone.

Video of our son was all over CNN and Youtube.  People were saying our son is racist.  People were saying our son is smug.   

And for what?  Our son was just trying to be funny!  He was wearing his silly, harmless, completely innocent souvenir cap he bought on a school trip.  And he wanted to cut up with his friends.  Is that so bad?  If kids aren’t allowed to cut up while they’re attending anti-abortion marches, where in the world CAN they cut up anymore?  Kids need to blow off steam sometimes! 

The Covington Catholic students were jumping around and hollering on the National Mall.  Nathan Phillips started singing, marching, and beating his drum.  The Covington students continued to jump around and holler.  Our son decided to make his friends laugh.  He stood right next to Mr. Phillips and silently stared at him face to face. 

Our shy, thoughtful son was trying to be funny and it got caught on video.  And that began his fifteen minutes of fame.  

Well, he got a raw deal. That fifteen minutes absolutely stunk. We want his fifteen minutes back, to be used again at a later date.  And we want 250 million dollars.

For your information, this lawsuit and its aftermath will NOT count as another fifteen minutes of fame for our son.  This is OUR fifteen minutes of fame. It’s our turn right now—us, the MAGA Hat Boy’s Mommy and Daddy.  

We want our picture in the paper.  We want our own special tweet from President Trump.  We want some think pieces written about how we’re heroes for taking on elitist phonies like you, Andy Warhol, who painted pictures of Campbell’s soup cans and made millions of dollars.   

We’re here to tell you that we just didn’t get it—the Campbell's soup cans. Never have and never will.  If we want a picture of a Campbell’s soup can, we’ll paint it ourselves, or better yet, we’ll take a picture of one with our iPhones.  Or we’ll just print out a picture of a Campbell’s soup can off the internet.  

We know you’re sitting on a bunch of soup can money and we’re going to get our hands on some of it.  We know you haven’t spent all of that soup can money because all you eat is Burger King—we saw you doing it ourselves, during the Super Bowl.  All you had was a sandwich and some ketchup.  You didn’t even order fries or a drink, so we know you’ve still got a bunch of that soup can money lying around.

We’re suing you for 250 million dollars to compensate for our pain and suffering, and also to teach elitist phonies like you a lesson once and for all.  

If you don’t pay up, we might have to let loose some information that we recently became privy to.  What information, you ask?  We know you were in a group text with Peter Strzok and Lisa Page talking about how you were all going to vote for CROOKED HILLARY.

Don’t forget, you’re not going to be off the hook until our son, the MAGA Hat Boy, gets his fifteen minutes of fame back.  His fifteen minutes of fame were not at all satisfying.  But our fifteen minutes, and his soon-to-be-restored fifteen minutes?  We assure you, they will be quite satisfying.

As will the 250 million dollars we are suing you for.  We’re going to be as rich as A-Rod!

Sincerely,

The MAGA Hat Boy's Mommy and Daddy