How Much More Juice Can We Squeeze Out of the MAGA Hat Boy Story? Plenty, That’s How Much.
There’s a lot of meat left on that bone. That’s why I’m not going to drop the MAGA Hat Boy story any time soon. I’m going to keep beating on that drum, just like Nathan Phillips did.
You’ve been reading about the MAGA Hat Boy, and you can expect to keep reading about the MAGA Hat Boy for the foreseeable future. That is, if I have anything to say about it.
The first order of business for today is to think about Nathan Phillips. How dare Nathan Phillips try to get on TV, right? How dare he cater to the media and rush to get his story out there! Why should he get on TV? I don’t think anyone in this country has ever gone around trying to get on TV! We are in unprecedented and dangerous territory and we should really let him have it for trying to get on TV.
Speaking of the media, wow, how badly did they mess up? First, they told us the kids were bad and Nathan Phillips was good. Then, they told us that the kids were good and Nathan Phillips was bad.
I’m so confused! I have no brain and my only instinct is to instantly and wholeheartedly latch on to every opinion that the media tosses my way. And now they’re changing their opinions around? I can’t do it! My brain is fried! Trump is right! We really can’t trust the media!
Our only choice is to keep digesting this story, hashing it out, and debating it. Until absolutely every person in this country is unified, holding one and only one opinion about the MAGA Hat Boy. People keep talking about unifying our country—well, let’s do it. Let’s get unified, right here and now.
I want it to happen just like in 12 Angry Men. We’re not going to leave this jury room until all eleven of the people who say “guilty” swing over to join Henry Fonda on the “innocent” side.
In the case of the MAGA Hat Boy, I’m not going to be finished talking about him until everyone in this country, together, chooses to either villainize or canonize the boy. Unanimous villainization or unanimous canonization. There shall be no in-between.
Hold up! Hold up! Let’s not forget to heap plenty of blame on the crazy street preachers! It’s all their fault! The crazy street preachers forced the MAGA Hat Boy’s friends to start a mosh pit around the elderly man, do tomahawk chops, mock his tribal song, and generally act like idiots. I think that the crazy street preachers’ foul language somehow acted as a spell that was cast over the boys, which made them act like idiots toward an elderly man.
Speaking of acting like an idiot, right now I’m going to take a quick sidebar and propose a new invention called “Idiot Behavior Detection System” (IBDS). And I’m going to put a patent on it, so please don’t try to steal this from me.
You know how lifeguards will sometimes warn kids that there’s a special chemical in the swimming pool, and if anyone pees in the pool, the chemical will react with the pee and make the water turn red all around them? Of course, there’s no such chemical, but the story helps convince kids not to pee in the pool.
My idea, the Idiot Behavior Detection System, is kind of like that, except the chemical is real. We put this special IBDS chemical into all of the nation’s drinking water. Don’t worry, IBDS will be fully tested and proven harmless. The chemical will only be activated when it’s inside a human body, and only when a person has been acting like an idiot.
It will turn a person’s face green immediately when they start acting like an idiot and their face will stay green for a full hour after the idiot behavior has stopped.
Think about it. Parents and teachers will have it so much easier. Students in school will only ask for the bathroom pass when they truly need to use the bathroom. If they get the pass just so they can go out and roam the halls and act like an idiot, the teacher will know about it when they return.
Parents will be able to go downstairs for two minutes to change the laundry without having to drag the kids along with them every time. If the kids get left alone and act like idiots while their parent is gone, then the parent is going to find out afterward. They’ll be able to know about any idiot behavior, even if all the evidence of idiot behavior has been fully concealed. All they’ll have to do is check to see if their kids’ faces are green or not.
Just imagine, if we already had this totally safe, totally non-toxic IBDS chemical in our nation’s drinking water, this whole MAGA Hat Boy debate would’ve long been over by now. We’d all be standing arm-in-arm on Henry Fonda’s side of the issue, in complete agreement that either the MAGA Hat Boy was an idiot, or he was a saint.
The debate would be instantly resolved because we’d have incontrovertible video evidence that either the boy’s face had turned green, or it hadn’t. There would be no ifs, ands, or buts about it. Idiot—or not an idiot. Case closed.
In the absence of IBDS, though, let’s keep debating this story back and forth. There’s plenty of juice left to be squeezed out of the MAGA Hat Boy story.
I promise to keep working on my Idiot Behavior Detection System. Hopefully, the next time the MAGA Hat Boy does something noteworthy on a viral video, we will all be able to rest a lot easier at night knowing without the shadow of a doubt that he was either acting like an idiot in the video, or he wasn’t.
All I ask in return is that you continue to debate this MAGA Hat Boy story to death.
By the way, did you hear that Trump tweeted support for the MAGA Hat Boy and his friends? I heard he’s got some room-temperature Big Macs and Filet O’ Fishes he wants to give them. It turns out the Clemson football team didn’t actually eat all of that junk food. Stay tuned, everybody!
