Hawk's Parenting Corner: The New Paradigm Shift in Potty Training

Are you sick and tired of those treacherous trips to the changing table to deal with your child’s poo poo and pee pee?  Sure you are!  It’s time for you to experience the latest paradigm shift in potty training.  You are about to find out that potty training can be fun!  Here are the newest and most cutting-edge tips to revolutionize your potty training experience with your child:

1.      Always use the proper potty training words.  Potty, dipey, undies, butt, wiener, vagina, poo poo, and pee pee are the most appropriate terms.

2.     Let your child know how much you hate poo poo and pee pee.

3.     Once they figure out how much you hate poo poo and pee pee, they will never want to be in your presence while they have a poo poo or pee pee diaper.

4.     This will cause them to sneak away at opportune times when they are poo poo or pee pee and remove their poo poo or pee pee diaper.

5.     Then, they will wipe themselves clean and replace the poo poo pee pee diaper with a clean one, hiding the poo poo pee pee diaper in the trash can.

6.     They will sneak back into the room wearing the fresh diaper and act like nothing just happened.

7.     Now, you can go on with the rest of your day!

8.     The key here is successfully communicating to your child how much you despise poo poo and pee pee!  Really harp on this topic as much as possible.

Sample conversation:

Child: “Mommy, can I have a cookie, please, after I clean up my toys?”

Mom:  “No, not if it’s going to make you go poo poo afterwards.  Remember that time you ate a raisin cookie and then went poo poo in your diaper afterwards?  I hated that! That was disgusting!  I hope I never have to look at or smell poo poo, or for that matter, pee pee ever again for as long as I live.”

Child:  “Okay.”

See how the mom snuck it in there?  Pretty soon, her daughter will be surreptitiously changing her own diaper all by herself to avoid making Mommy and Daddy confront their biggest fear.

I know, right now you’re saying, “But she’s not potty trained yet.  She’s only changing her own diaper so far.”  Here’s the key:  once you and your child have reached this stage, proceed to the following steps:

9.     Start subtracting the cost of new diapers out of your child’s weekly allowance.

10.    They’ll say, “Hey, what gives?” at some point when they’re old enough to do the math and realize they’re getting less money than they’re supposed to.  

11.    Calmly explain to them their choices.  Kids need choices.  Never just order them around by giving them only one option and saying, “It’s my way or the highway.”  You have to give them choices because it will prepare them to one day participate in a democracy.

12.    Their choices are: keep making poo poo pee pee diapers and get less allowance indefinitely, or buy big kid undies to wear and still get less allowance, also indefinitely, because first of all you have to buy the undies and then after that you have to launder them.  Since it’s your laundry equipment, you can charge them any amount you please. But tell them that the cost of buying and laundering big kid undies will be less over time than the cost of buying diapers, so in the long term, they’ll get more allowance if they decide to wear big kid undies.

13.    If they are rational agents of economics, they will choose to wear big kid undies.  The best way to find out if your child is a rational agent of economics is to give them the “marshmallow test.”

14.    Once they choose the big kid undies— and don’t worry, they eventually will— calmly explain to them how to keep them clean by going poo poo and pee pee in the potty instead of in their pants.

15.    At this point, your child will say, “Dad, it’s called feces and urine,” and given that they are now in middle school, they will catch on to using the potty quite quickly.

16.    Congratulations, you have now potty trained your child!  You can finally go on vacation or take a trip to Grandma’s house without having to pack a diaper bag!