Six Blind Men Go To Whole Foods

One day, the six blind men who had argued over the nature of an elephant got together for a new challenge. They decided to investigate Whole Foods. They had often heard of the store, but had never been there. Of course, they could not see the Whole Foods with their eyes, but they thought by scattering around the store, they could learn all about it.

The man who said the elephant was a wall walked into the Whole Foods hot food bar. With help from another customer, he grabbed a plate. He said, “This will be cheaper than a restaurant meal because I am serving myself and eating with a plastic fork.” He filled his plate with a modest amount of food: three barbecue pork ribs, a spoonful of mac and cheese, a spoonful of cole slaw, a spoonful of potato salad, and a spoonful of fresh fruit. He brought it to the checkout line and was told he owed $23.52. “Well, well,” he said. “Now I know what Whole Foods is. It’s an expensive Golden Corral.”

The man who said the elephant was a spear perused the Whole Foods housewares aisle and inspected every item. “What, no AA batteries or lightbulbs?” he exclaimed.

The man who said the elephant was a snake happened upon the Whole Foods health and beauty section. He began picking up pill bottles and shaking them. Finally, he asked a worker to help him find ibuprofen, as he had a headache. “We only sell natural medicine,” said the worker. “Perhaps your headache is caused by an iron deficiency. Here are some iron pills.”

“How is one pill natural, but another isn’t?” asked the blind man. “Do pills exist in nature?” He received no reply.

The man who said the elephant was a tree walked into the Whole Foods produce section. Feeling around, he grabbed an orange. “Let’s see if this is any good,” he said as he peeled the skin to reveal a chalky white orb. Breaking off a segment and tasting the fruit, he immediately spit it out onto the floor. “Why does this orange taste so bad?” he yelled. 

A nearby worker replied, “At $3.99 a pound, no one wants to buy oranges, so they just sit there for weeks on end and dry out.”

The man who said the elephant was a huge fan walked into the Whole Foods bakery. There, he found stacks and stacks of plastic clamshell containers filled with cookies, brownies, croissants, and pies. “What’s with all the plastic?” he wondered aloud. “I thought this place was supposed to be eco-friendly.”

The man who said the elephant was a rope almost reached the Whole Foods meat department when he was knocked down by a swarm of Amazon Fresh shoppers frantically trying to keep pace with the tasks being buzzed and dinged at them via their company-issued handheld devices. As he lay on his back, feeling the chill of the concrete floor beneath him, the man said to no one in particular, “I thought this was supposed to be a high-end grocery shopping experience.”

Eventually, all six men found each other outside Whole Foods. The first man said, “To this day, we disagree about the nature of an elephant. Surely, we will also have vastly different assessments of Whole Foods.”

“There’s only one way to find out,” said the second man. “On the count of three, everyone shout out what you think of Whole Foods. Ready? One, two, three.”

In perfect unison, they yelled, “Whole Foods is a soulless appendage of Jeff Bezos’ bloated Amazon behemoth!”

On this topic, they all agreed.