I wrote a children’s book called Johnny’s Brand New Big Boy Bike and it’s now available in paperback on Amazon. The reader reviews are starting to trickle in! It’s very exciting. 

Several of my readers still haven’t gotten online to post a review. I’ve been thinking about what might be holding these folks back. I came up with a few ideas:

—Time. They don’t have time to log in to Amazon, think of something to say, and then type it out.

—Motivation. They have their copy of the book, they’re enjoying it, and they’re moving on with life. Why go out of the way to post a review? Let somebody else do it. 

—Lack of book. They haven’t bought the book yet. They’re waiting for me to do one of those free giveaways. (Fair warning: the only free giveaway I’m planning on is at a book festival for local authors at the Wheaton Public Library on April 18. One lucky individual will win my book in the raffle. Everyone else can stop by my table and purchase a copy for $10, which is $2.99 cheaper than the price on Amazon.)

Whatever your reason for not yet posting a review of Johnny’s Brand New Big Boy Bike, I want to make it as easy as possible for you. I’m here to help. 

Below, I list various options that you can simply copy/paste onto my book’s Amazon page. It’s quick and easy!

Please also do me one additional favor: it would be great if you could create an Amazon user name that just so happened to be a famous person’s name. Put the review under that name. Imagine how great it would look if my reviews were chock full of celebrities who were all raving about my book!

 

Review 1: 

Yo, preppie, check out this book, Johnny’s Brand New Big Boy Bike! Even though it’s not about wrestling against Valley in the district finals and taking down that jerk Nedich, it IS about Nedich’s dirtbike! Basically, this kid Johnny gets the bike when his dad wins it off Nedich in a bet. Johnny’s dad tells him to start riding the bike so he can bulk up his leg muscles to get ready for football season. Johnny’s out on a bike ride, when out of nowhere, none other than Mr. Belding shows up, blocks his path, and sends him to dirtbike detention! After Johnny makes an amazing escape by double-crossing the nerd detention monitor, he meets up with his friends at the Max and they all order burgers, fries, and grape sodas. It’s a great book, preppie!

Reviewer: A.C. Slater

 

Review 2:

Time out! Doesn’t it seem weird that all of the sudden, Slater is interested in reading a book? And he just so happened to read the same book that Chief Henry loaned me to work on my research project? C’mon! Since when does Slater care about great literature? Did somebody hit him over the head with Dostoyevsky at wrestling practice? Speaking of Dostoyevsky, this book, Johnny’s Brand New Big Boy Bike, is right up there with the best of them. It’s about a kid named Johnny whose parents go out of town one weekend and they leave him in charge of the house. His most important job is to protect his mom’s Elvis statue. He decides to go out on a bike ride to find Screech and a few other friends and invite them over for a party where they can jam out to the Beach Boys. Along the way, he runs into Jessie’s stepbrother Eric, who’s new in town, and he tricks Johnny into entering a dangerous bike race. Johnny ends up crashing his bike. He drops the Elvis statue, which he was carrying with him for some reason, and it shatters into a million pieces! Johnny’s dad comes home early because of a work emergency and he helps Johnny find a replacement statue before Mom finds out. Oops, gotta go, guys, I have to go tell Kelly all about this book and see if she wants to read it together over a candlelit dinner!  Eh? Eh?

Reviewer: Zack Morris

 

Review 3:

Johnny’s Brand New Big Boy Bike is far out! I read it the other day and I’m so glad I did. See, I arrived early to the cheerleader tryouts at school, where I was one of the judges. I had to figure out if I was gonna vote for my sister Marcia or my girlfriend Jennifer for the coveted head cheerleader spot on the team. I was so stressed out. I showed up before anyone else arrived because I wanted to clear my mind a little bit. I cracked open this groovy book about Johnny and his bike, the Mity Challenger. That’s when it dawned on me: “Challenger.” Vote for the challenger! Don’t vote for Marcia OR Jennifer! Vote for the third challenger, Pat Conway! She’s the most talented of the bunch, anyway! This book, Johnny’s Brand New Big Boy Bike, really saved my neck. I’m gonna go tell Mom, Dad, and Alice all about it!

Reviewer: Greg Brady

 

Review 4:

Honestly, I can’t recommend this book highly enough. First of all, I have a very busy job as an architect, designing new, state of the art buildings. In fact, I’m so busy at work that I’m barely ever there! See, that’s a little something called a “conundrum.” Anyway, the other day, when I just so happened to NOT be designing new buildings, I overheard my son Bobby going on and on about his hero, Jesse James. That’s another example of a conundrum. Jesse James was such a big hero to Bobby. His whole life revolved around Jesse James. But at the same time, this was only the case for about 22 minutes total. The rest of his life before and after this 22 minute period, Bobby never even mentioned Jesse James once. Like I said, it’s a conundrum. So, Bobby was begging to watch a movie on TV about Jesse James. I said, “Sure. Then you’ll find out what a despicable person Jesse James truly was, and this whole hero worship thing will be over and done with.” Turns out, the TV station edited all the murders out of the movie, so Jesse James looked like a great guy, after all! I was furious that they took out all the murders. I wanted my young, impressionable son to see some grisly murders and learn a lesson once and for all! After that whole fiasco, I gave Bobby a copy of this great new book, Johnny’s Brand New Big Boy Bike, and he’s forgotten all about Jesse James. His new hero is Johnny. And my wife and I couldn’t be more pleased. Right, honey? Carol says yes. Do you know what I’d say yes to, honey? Oops. Sorry. I meant to turn this thing off. Got to go.

Reviewer: Mike Brady

 

Review 5:

Johnny, Johnny, Johnny! Why does HE get a brand new bicycle? I’m just the middle child and I’ve never gotten a brand new bicycle. I’d like to show up at the school dance in my gorgeous brown wig, riding on a new bicycle, and show the kids at school that I can be popular, too! My new boyfriend George Glass will just think that’s the grooviest! Oh, wait, I think that’s him calling now! Bye, and be sure to pick up your copy of Johnny’s Brand New Big Boy Bike. Even though I’m just the teensiest bit jealous of him, Johnny really does have some far out adventures that I think you’ll enjoy reading about.

--Reviewer: Jan Brady

 

Review 6:

I think Johnny’s Brand New Big Boy Bike is the most wonderful book. You’ll really enjoy it. Even if Jan did, too. I just wish Jan would grow up. Anyway, I read about Johnny in my class at school one day and his story reminded me of something that once happened to me. He falls down and gets hurt, kind of like how I got hurt when Peter threw a football and hit me in the face right before my big date with big man on campus Doug Simpson. Well, let’s just say I could relate to Johnny. Even if my date didn’t work out as planned. 

Reviewer: Marcia Brady

 

Review 7:

My buddy Jack Dalton gave me a copy of Johnny’s Brand New Big Boy Bike and I can’t put it down! I was lounging on my house boat the other day reading it, and I was surprised to discover that Johnny’s dad is a mechanical whiz. He solved a simple transportation issue with nothing but an air pump, two plastic wheels connected to steel girders, and a few twists of a wrench. He rigged Johnny’s bike for speed and stability, which is just what Johnny needed on his mission for the Phoenix Foundation. I don’t quite understand what his mission was, but I do know that Murdoc shot off a gun and Johnny had to pedal quickly to get away. He got a little dinged up during the escape, but then he went home and prevented his dad from getting blown up on his riding lawn mower by a land mine that Murdoc planted in the yard. In the end, Johnny goes inside the house and studies up on trains. I think it’s because in the next episode, he’s going to be riding a train through the Arctic wilderness in Alaska and he’s going to need to know the exact place on an old steam locomotive where a bad guy would stash a bomb. Great book! I’m going to buy another copy to give to my buddy Pete Thornton, but first I have to go on an important mission to Bangladesh. When I get there, I’m going to rendez vous with a young female environmental activist to get some information. I’ll arrive just in time to save her from an assassination attempt. At that point, I’ll know for sure that the stakes are high. She’ll give me the information, then I’ll disguise myself as a rickshaw driver and take down the operative (Murdoc) hired by a global steel conglomerate who’s trying to blow up a beaver dam that the local rice farmers rely upon. It’ll be fun. And don’t forget to buy Johnny’s Brand New Big Boy Bike!

--Reviewer: MacGyver

 

Review 8: 

Baba dee doo. Baba zoo. Gabba dee goooo! I like Johnny. I like to read. Here’s the thing about Johnny, though. He’s got a job to do. He’s got a responsibility. He’s got to get his ass out there and pick up his damn bike. He can’t just leave it sitting there on the driveway! He’s gotta cherish his new bike. He does. Penguin? What are you doing here? Don’t touch my Snack Pack!

Reviewer: Billy Madison

 

Review 9:

Johnny’s Brand New Big Boy Bike is quite the superlative book. I like it because in the end, he savors a delectable morsel of cheese. I also observed that in the story, Johnny manages to defy the laws of physics. If you calculate his velocity at the time his bike launches into the air, and you multiply his launch angle by the square root of the length of his bike and multiply that by pi, you end up with none other than the Pythagorean Theorem! I’m going to impress Laura when I tell her all about it. The only slight alteration I would make to the book would be when Johnny cascades off his bike, I would have him pause for a few milliseconds, survey the damage, and say, “Did I do that?” Otherwise, it is an utterly outstanding book.

Reviewer: Steve Urkel

Review 10: 

Johnny, who previously received a brand new big boy bike, is on the adventure of a lifetime. He steps up to the line and he’s hearing it from the crowd. This sold out crowd is on its feet. Johnny’s putting on the moves… yes! And it counts. Johnny from downtown! He and his bike make quite the splash in front of the record crowd. Oh, no. It looks like the referees have spotted some blood on Johnny’s arm. It looks like he’s going back to the locker room to get it looked at. Meanwhile, action continues in the kitchen as Mom cooks up dinner. Johnny’s sister wakes up from her nap. And they all sit down to dinner! Incredible! We haven’t seen a dramatic storyline like this since Lebron James willed his team back from a 3-1 deficit in the 2016 Finals. This has been a presentation of Johnny’s Brand New Big Boy Bike. On behalf of my partners Reggie Miller and Chris Webber, I am Marv Albert. Thank you for tuning in. See you next time.

Reviewer: Marv Albert

 

Those are the ten options I’ve got for you. If you’d like to copy/paste one of them onto my book’s Amazon page under the celebrity name, I would greatly appreciate it. If you’d prefer to write your own review, that would be wonderful as well. 

Thank you for taking the time to post your review of my book, Johnny’s Brand New Big Boy Bike.

Wait, there’s one more thing. I almost forgot to tell you the correct number of stars to give the book. Please scroll down for the answer: 

 

 

 

 

 

5