The Worst Relationship Advice Ever Found in a Pop Song

Pop music isn’t typically a great source for relationship advice. “Jessie’s Girl” by Rick Springfield suggests it’s a good idea to steal your best friend’s girlfriend. “867-5309/Jenny” by Tommy Tutone leads you to believe that you can find true love by calling a phone number that’s scribbled on a bathroom wall. 

I can think of a couple of things that might go wrong in those cases. What if Jessie’s girl says you’re not as good a kisser as Jessie? What if Jenny turns out to be a Mike Bloomberg supporter? Those are fraught situations.

The song that gives the absolute worst relationship advice, though, is “Hey Lover” by LL Cool J. He not only recommends cheating on your man, he also lays out five flimsy reasons for doing so. Furthermore, he recommends whom you should cheat with, and it’s none other than a complete stranger who likes to sit alone in a parked car, staring you up and down. None of it strikes me as particularly good advice. 

“Hey Lover” is a classic song. It features backing vocals from Boyz II Men and a sample from Michael Jackson’s “The Lady in My Life.” It also contains the worst relationship advice in the history of pop music. 

What’s so bad about LL Cool J’s advice? Look no further than his five reasons for why you should cheat on your man:

1. Because you’ve only known your man for five months. 

LL’s logic: Five months is obviously not a long time. How could your man really be serious about your relationship if you’ve only known him for five months? If he truly cared about you, why didn’t he find you sooner? You should definitely cheat on him if you’ve only known him for five months. In fact, cheat on him with… hmmmm. How about that guy who was sitting alone in his parked car, staring at you that one time? Remember? You made eye contact with him for a brief moment? That guy. For all you know, he might be a complete lunatic. But seriously, go ahead and cheat on your man with him. 

2. Because your man drinks too much and smokes too many blunts. 

LL’s logic: That’s just tacky. Your man is not paying enough attention to you. He’s more interested in his booze and his weed. The next time he’s drunk and high yet again, you should definitely go off and cheat on him. Find the guy in the parked car who was staring at you. That guy would treat you right. After all, he works out every day thinking about you. He’s always catching flashbacks of your eye contact. Plus, he wants to lay you on your stomach and caress your back. For all you know, he might sleep on a futon in his parents’ basement. But it’s way too good of an opportunity to pass up, isn’t it?

3. Because your man lets you take the bus every day and he thinks it’s safe for you to travel that way. 

LL’s logic: That is ridiculous. Buses are notoriously dangerous. They don’t have seat belts or airbags. Your man should know better. Remember that guy in the parked car, though? The one who was staring at you? His car has seatbelts and airbags. He could drive you around to wherever you need to go. He might even offer to drive you back to his place where you could definitely cheat on your man with him. Lately, he’s been daydreaming about doing something risqué with vanilla ice cream. For all you know, he might buy the crappy store brand vanilla ice cream which is FULL OF ARTIFICIAL FLAVORS AND ADDITIVES. But that wouldn’t stop you from trying it out with him sometime, would it?

4. Because your man breaks you off a little chump change to do your hair. 

LL’s logic: This might actually sound like a pretty good deal, but it’s not. How could you be satisfied with mere chump change? There is a much deeper level of love and affection. Remember the guy who sat in his parked car and stared at you? He could show you a deeper level. If you follow, he’ll lead. For all you know, he might live in an apartment with 75 of his closest cat friends. But you want to go to a deeper level with him, and 75 cats won’t slow you down even for a second, will they?

5. Because you have to use a public pay phone.

LL’s logic: That’s the last straw. You have to fumble around in your Coach bag for quarters so you can call and get a ride home from the mall? You have to wait in line behind a bunch of squirrely teenagers? Your man has no consideration whatsoever. He should have bought you a cell phone. And you know what? It’s time. Put the change back in your purse. Walk out of the mall. Scan the parking lot until you see the complete stranger who likes to sit all by himself in his parked car, staring at you. Get in the car. Go with him. He will teach you how to swim in the timeless currents of pure bliss. Fantasies will be interchanging with each kiss. Undying passion will unite your souls. You should definitely cheat on your man with that guy. For all you know, he might be a world-renowned pop music icon. He might be the creator of the song that contains the worst relationship advice ever. He might be:

LL Cool J. 

On second thought, how could you pass that up? It’s LL Cool J! Forget everything I said.