I Could Care Less if You Follow My 10 Rules on How to Speak Correctly

What’s right and what’s wrong, as far as language is concerned?  Languages evolve over time.  Ever notice how we don’t speak English like Shakespeare anymore?  Then you’ve got code switching.  And how set in stone do grammar rules need to be, anyway?  Context matters, right?

In a world of language relativism, I am here to offer 10 rock solid rules about how to speak correctly.  My rules don’t apply to the written word, only to the spoken word.  So, don’t get your undies in a bunch if you think I’m writing a takedown of your beloved Strunk and White.  I’m not. 

You can still follow Strunk and White’s good old writing rules all you want.  I’m here to address speaking rules.   

My rules will simplify your life.  My rules will, once and for all, put to rest the tedious arguments people tend to have over the correct way to speak.  

Let’s go ahead and get started.

Rule 1.  “I could care less.”  

When you say this, you’re saying that you don’t care.  It doesn’t matter to you.  Some people argue that the correct way to express this sentiment is to say, “I couldn’t care less.”  

Well, guess what?  Most people say, “I could care less.”  Majority rules.  And let’s not quibble about the “grammatically correct” way to say it.  Language is about communication.  And there is never any doubt what a person is communicating when they say, “I could care less.”  

If you’re still not convinced, try saying, “I could care less,” ten times quickly.  Now say, “I couldn’t care less,” ten times quickly. Which one’s easier to say?  Which one is more fun to say?  

I could care less if you agree with me or not.  The correct usage is, “I could care less.”

Rule 2.  “Set down.” 

·     Set down your cup over there.  

·     Set down on this chair.  

·     Set down the spoon.  

·     Set down for a second and catch your breath.  

Do we really need to toggle back and forth between “set down” and “sit down,” depending on whether we’re talking about an object or a person?  Why not just drop “sit down” and go with a blanket “set down” that will apply to every situation?  

Right now, you’re saying, “It’s not that tricky of a rule.”  

You’re right.  It’s not a tricky rule.  But pay attention—not to how you write it— pay attention to how you actually say “sit down” in everyday life.  You probably actually say “set down,” don’t you?  

Go tell a family member who’s standing up to “set down.”  They won’t bat an eye.  They may or may not sit down, but they won’t bat an eye.  

Now, go tell a family member who’s standing up to “sit down.”  Enunciate the “i” in “sit.”  

“Sit down.”

Harsh, isn’t it? They’re wondering what got into you. Why so angry?  There’s not really a relaxed way to say “sit down.”

“Sit down” is what you say to a child when you’d like compliance and it’s about the tenth time you’ve asked. 

In all other situations, “set down” is more appropriate.

Rule 3.  “Lay down.”

·     Lay down on the bed.  

·     Lay down the clothes.  

·     Lay down for a few minutes.  

·     Lay down the cards.

Again, no need to toggle back and forth between “lie” and “lay” when speaking.  The written rule is pretty straightforward.  But when speaking, most people just say “lay down” for every situation.  

Would I ever say, “Lie down?”  

I could envision saying, “Lie down!” when I’m speaking to my child and I’d like compliance and it’s about the tenth time I’ve asked.  (Not that that specific situation has ever happened.)  

In every other circumstance, “Lay down” is the correct way to say it.  

Rule 4.  “Bag-ul”

You say the word “bag.” And then you add the sound “ul.”  

It’s a circular food. You slice it in half and eat it with butter or cream cheese.  It has a hole in the middle and it’s not a donut.  

A lot of people want to say, “bay-gull.”  I used to be one of those people.  But my wife says “bag-ul.”  She’s correct about a lot of things.  And this is one of them.  

Over the course of our relationship, I have been lulled into submission by the entrancing siren song of the word “bag-ul.”  I started using it at some point, without even realizing it.  I will never go back.

Let’s go get some bag-uls!

Rule 5.  Define a word with itself.

Remember in fifth grade, your teacher wanted you to sit there all day long and look up vocabulary words in the dictionary, write down the definitions, and use the words in a sentence (which must be seven words or longer)?  

Take the word “melancholy,” for example.  Your teacher wouldn’t let you define it by saying, “It means a really melancholy feeling.” You’d have to use a synonym or something. You weren’t allowed to define the word with itself.

Guess what?  We’re not in fifth grade anymore!  Let’s just go ahead and define words with themselves already. It’s a huge thought-saver and a huge time-saver.  

Q: “What does diphtheria mean?”  

A: “It means, if you get diphtheria, you’re going to get really sick.”

Q: “What does transcendence mean?”

A: “It means that you get this really transcendent feeling, and you feel really good.”

Q: “What’s an inning?”

A: “There’s nine innings in a game.”

See what I mean?  You save time, you don’t have to sit there and rack your brain for a synonym or anything, and you don’t have to get deep into some technical explanation.  Because when you get technical, the person who asked the question starts zoning out anyway. 

And your answer can be fewer than seven words long.  

We’re not in fifth grade anymore.  Let’s enjoy ourselves a little bit!  Go ahead and define a word with itself!

Rule 6: “Irregardless”

·     She is going to leave the house promptly at 7:00, irregardless of whether or not the baby is asleep yet.  

·     Irregardless of whether they call me back or not to tell me their plans, I’m booking the flight for the 17th.  

If you take an English class, they’ll tell you that “irregardless” isn’t even a word.  

The word to use is “regardless,” they’ll say.  It means that something doesn’t matter one way or the other.

“Irregardless” has an advantage, though.  It helps emphasize your point of how little it matters, one way or the other.  By comparison, “regardless” sounds kind of toothless.  

I like “irregardless.” By executive decision, I am switching the old rule.  “Irregardless” is a word.  “Regardless” is no longer a word.  Proceed accordingly.

Rule 7: Mix up your lists.

·     Here’s my list of reasons for why we’re not going on the trip.  One, it’s too far away.  B, the weather that weekend is going to be terrible.  Third, I don’t think anyone else is going!

A lot of people might be up in arms if you obey this rule.  They’ll say, “If you’re using numbers, use numbers.  If letters, stick with letters.  Ordinal numbers, like first, second, third, fourth—whatever you use, be consistent!  Don’t mix up your list!”

You know what?  A, does it really matter?  Two, we’re just having a conversation.  Third, it’s not like this is a social studies outline or something.  Just relax!

Rule 8: Double negatives.

When I lived in Virginia, there was a Food Lion supermarket near my apartment that I’d often shop at.  One weeknight, I was in there getting ice cream or something at like 11:00 pm.  I was in the express lane, and the cashier was taking a really long time ringing up the person in front of me.  There was no rush.  The store was completely dead and the cashier was taking her sweet time.  

While I was patiently waiting my turn, the automatic doors at the front of the store opened up and some eager person came bouncing in excitedly.  They went right up to this cashier, who was the only employee in sight, and asked, “Is so-and-so here?”  

Without looking up from the register at all, without changing her very bored-looking expression whatsoever, with neither happiness nor regret detectable in her tone of voice, she responded:

“She don’t work here no more.”

It was as if she was expecting to get asked that exact question at that exact moment, by that very person who happened to walk in.  It was as if she’d been answering that question time after time, all night long.

No further explanation was requested.  No further explanation was given.  The person walked right back out of the store, and the cashier went along working at her slow, steady pace.  

I wish I knew what the visitor wanted from the Food Lion employee who didn’t work there no more. I wish I knew why that employee didn’t work there no more.    

I’ll never know.  

But from that night on, the use of a double negative in speech became A-Okay with me.  

Rule 9: “Sun-dee,” “Fri-dee,” etc.

The days of the week should all be pronounced with “dee” at the end, instead of with “day.”  It sounds better.  My grandmother taught me that.   

When I was a kid, she’d come visit from Ohio for the weekend and we’d try to get her to stay longer.  We’d suggest she stay until the next weekend.  

She’d say no, and it was always because she had to “go to the doctor on Tues-dee.”  It was always “the doctor on Tues-dee.”  

For all I know, she had a checkup every single Tues-dee of her retired life.  Or maybe she was just making an excuse so she could leave gracefully, before feeling like she wore out her welcome.  

Irregardless, if pronouncing every single day of the week with “dee” on the end is good enough for my grandmother, then it’s good enough for me, and it’s good enough for you too.

Rule 10: “Seer-up.”

Are you about sick of these rules?  Have you made it this far without even skimming a section or two?  Good for you.  There’s hope for you yet.  

This last rule is about that wonderful thing called “seer-up.”  It’s better if it’s maple.  You put it on your pancakes and waffles and it’s not pronounced “sir-up.”  

My wife says “sir-up.” She’s right about a lot of things, but she’s not right about this.  Funny, although I’ve been saying “seer-up” the whole time she’s known me, she has never adapted to my way of saying it.  “Seer-up.”  Which is the correct way.  

I came over to her side with the “bag-ul” issue.  Don’t you think she ought to come over to my side on “seer-up?”  It would be the fair thing to do, right?  

Let’s do this. Everybody in the whole world should get on board with saying “seer-up.”  She’ll have to adapt then, won’t she, if she’s completely outnumbered? 

All together now, say it. “SEER-UP.”  And if you happen to see my wife, make sure you drop it into the conversation.  

Let’s do this!  

Thanks for reading, and by the way, I could really care less if you agree with everything I’ve said, but irregardless, if you follow at least some of my rules, your speech is sure to be more correct than it’s ever been before.