The Parenting Police: How to Unlock Their Secret Code Language
Your town has police. It surely also has an ample squadron of Parenting Police.
Police officers use a code language over the radio to relay messages to one another.
Examples of police radio codes:
“10-4”-- Acknowledgment of message
“10-10”-- Fight in progress
“10-15”-- Civil disturbance
Your local police officers are charged with patrolling the area and looking out for suspicious behavior.
In the same way, Parenting Police officers are constantly out in the community, measuring up parents to see if they’re doing a satisfactory job or not.
Parenting Police officers use a code language as well, but they primarily do their job through staring and glaring.
If you are a Parenting Police officer, here are some sample situations that you might encounter, along with your standard response:
Some kids are being too rowdy on the sidewalk out in front of a restaurant where they are waiting for a table. Their parents are standing around talking, doing nothing about it. Stare at the kids for a while first, and then glare at the parents.
A toddler is yelling “Woo woo!” because a train is going by while he and his parent are sitting at a table outside a coffee shop enjoying a snack they bought. You are sitting at a table right next to them, laptop open, while you’re having a work-related phone conversation. Glare at the kid, just like you would if you were in the “quiet room” at the library. How dare that kid say “Woo woo!” while you’re on the phone! That child’s behavior is inexcusable! Besides the train passing by, the car traffic on two sides, and the pedestrians walking past, this outdoor patio should be considered a silent work area! Glare like you’ve never glared before.
Some kids are walking with their parent down the left side of a neighborhood street because there is no sidewalk. Stare at them while you drive past. Really crane your neck. Wonder why in the world they are walking. Are they too poor to be able to afford a car or something?
Even though most Parenting Police work is done through staring and glaring, at any given moment, the Parenting Police could go a step further and make a comment using their code language. If you follow my guide below, you can figure out what their comment means beneath the surface.
Parenting Police comments and their translations:
Comment-- “His toes are getting a little pink.”
Translation--I see that you put your two year-old son in a hat, t-shirt, and jeans on this 65 degree day, but for heaven’s sake, you let him take his shoes and socks off in the sandbox? And now his bare feet are exposed to the sun! Don’t you want to slather his feet in sunscreen on this mild spring day? Are you seriously going to risk his feet getting scorched with sunburn? Are you insane?
Comment-- “Oh, that’s funny! I didn’t see you on the other side of the playset! I thought someone had left this cute little boy here at the park all by himself!”
Translation-- Hello! We’re in a public place! You should always be within arm’s reach of your two year-old, even if he’s perfectly capable of climbing up and down the playset all by himself! Even though you were watching him through the bars over there, you’re lucky I’m not a psychotic kidnapper because I could have easily snatched him up and ran off with him. After all, you’re a full 20 feet away! Ha ha! You really should be more careful!
Comment-- “Aren’t cloth diapers hard to wash? I tried them for a while and it was a nightmare.”
Translation-- If I gave up on cloth diapers, then you definitely should. After all, you’re a guy. You’ve got to be clueless about how to clean things. Your child’s cloth diaper, which I can see he’s wearing because it’s peeking out of his jeans, is probably the most disgusting thing imaginable. I mean, your child poops and pees on it repeatedly, and then you wash it and dry it and put it back on him again? That’s repulsive! There’s no way you could be doing a passable job with cloth diapers. And how dare you, by the very presence of your cloth diaper-wearing child, heap guilt on me for using disposables and filling up the landfill with poopy diapers that will remain intact for hundreds of years?
[Author’s note: My son wears cloth diapers most days during his waking hours. He wears a disposable diaper at night time, while travelling, and at other times that I think it’s convenient for him to wear one. So, he wears a disposable diaper a lot. See, Parenting Police? I’m not a saint. I wish I were, but I’m not.]
Comment-- “So you’re a house husband?”
Translation-- I imagine your daily life consists of doing everything June Cleaver does, wearing what June Cleaver wears (you sicko), and talking just like June Cleaver. Only, you’re a man. Weird!
Comment-- “When are you going back to work?”
Translation-- When will you become a productive member of society once again?
Comment-- “Your kid has a food allergy? Wow. So many kids are getting food allergies these days. When I have a kid, I’m just going to lay him down in a mud puddle and let him have fun. Kids are getting all these allergies because they’re never exposed to dirt when they’re babies.”
Translation-- Your child’s food allergy is your fault. First of all, you kept his environment far too clean when he was a baby! I don’t actually know how clean or dirty your house is, but I’m just going to assume it’s too clean because that would confirm a half-baked scientific theory that I believe in. Second of all, you don’t let your kid have enough fun. If you took your child outside more, they’d have much more fun, and on top of that, they’d build up a resistance to all the allergens. I don’t actually know how much outdoor play time your child gets on a daily basis. But one thing I do know, is that as a parent, you absolutely suck!
The Parenting Police have an important job to do. They never know what they’re going to run into on a daily basis, but you can rest assured they will be staring, glaring, and making astute comments when needed so that we can all, one day, become better parents.
Thank you, Parenting Police!
