"Back to the Future Part IV: Trump Trouble"
Marty gets in the DeLorean and travels through time to Kiev, Ukraine on July 25, 2019. He mounts a giant hook on the roof of the car and drives down the street. The hook snags the phone line, shutting down President Zelensky's connection. The Trump-Zelensky phone call never happens.
Gordon Sondland's work as Ambassador to the European Union continues uninterrupted. He does not have to travel to Washington D.C. that fall to testify in impeachment hearings. Since there was no phone call, there was no government whistleblower report. Most importantly, no impeachment.
Sondland finishes installing a fancy new kitchen at his residence in Brussels, all on the taxpayers' dime. His chauffeur, Biff, puts a fresh coat of wax on the limo before driving him to a local cafe, where he enjoys a Pepsi Free.
Marty’s parents are in Brussels enjoying their second honeymoon. They stop at the café for an espresso and sit at a table right next to Sondland.
They overhear him on a phone call. He’s dishing dirt about Biden, Burisma, 2016, Crowdstrike, and the DNC server.
Sondland hangs up and notices Marty’s parents are staring at him. He introduces himself and says, “I was just on the phone with President Trump. He put me in charge of a little side deal we’ve got cooking in Ukraine. They’re going to announce an investigation into Joe Biden. He’ll be screwed in the upcoming election. After President Zelensky goes on CNN and announces the investigation, he’ll get a meeting with Trump in the White House. Trump doesn’t give a crap about Ukraine. He’s just using them to achieve his domestic political purposes.”
Marty’s parents can’t believe what they’re hearing.
Meanwhile, Marty travels back to the year 2029, where he’s a high school history teacher. He walks into his classroom and sees Biff’s son, Brad, teaching the class. Brad looks over at Marty and says, “Hey, goofball, you’re here just in time. I spilled my can of Tab on the floor. Why don’t you go grab a mop and clean it up for me?”
Marty says, “Me? Why?”
Brad says, “Because you’re the school janitor, numbskull! So make like a tree and get outta here!”
Marty glances at a set of posters on the wall that show all the U.S. presidents. He sees that Trump is still the current president. In 2029? How could that be? He’s no longer a one-term president? No Joe Biden for two terms and then Cory Booker after that?
Trump is now in his fifth term?
Marty shakes his head in disbelief. Then, he looks at Brad and says, “I thought I was the teacher of this class.”
Brad says, “No, dipwad, you lost your teaching license years ago.”
“Why?” asks Marty.
“You know what? You ask a lot of questions. And you’re interrupting my class. But I’ll tell you so that everybody here can learn. It’s all because of your parents. The big dummies. They tried to take down President Trump. They told the media they had evidence that Trump was bribing Ukraine into announcing an investigation of Joe Biden. Your parents said they overheard Gordon Sondland on a phone call. That’s when Trump went on the attack. At his campaign rallies, he started calling your dad a big chicken. Everyone would squawk like a chicken when Trump said your dad’s name. They would chant, “Pluck him up! Pluck him up!” Trump also found out your dad has a history of being a peeping tom. Everybody found out that your dad’s a perv. He’s never lived it down. Trump got payback against your whole family. He revoked your teaching license. Is any of this ringing a bell? What’s the matter, did you get hit in the head? You got amnesia? Now scram! Go get a mop!”
Marty yells, “Whoa! This is heavy!” He runs out of the building and immediately collides with a disheveled old man who is pushing a shopping cart full of empty aluminum cans. They crash to the ground and the shopping cart spills over. Marty helps the old man up and recognizes that it’s Doc Brown.
“Doc! It’s me!” he says.
“Huh? Who are you?”
“It’s me, Marty!”
“Marty? Great Scott!”
“You look homeless, Doc. What happened to you?”
Doc thinks for a moment, then says, “I was a leading scientist for the U.S. government. I invented a particle ray gun that neutralized atomic weapons. All you had to do was aim the ray gun at a nuclear warhead, and poof! Now it’s a dud. The ray gun’s range was only a few feet, so we were working on a network of spies to get into places like Russia, Iran, and North Korea. We were going to deactivate their nuclear arsenals without their knowledge. When President Trump found out about my invention, he shut down the program and blacklisted me. Now, somehow, Russia has my technology. The U.S. isn’t using it anymore, and I can’t get a job anywhere.”
Marty says, “I never should’ve gone back in time to stop the Trump-Zelensky phone call.”
Doc says, “Great Scott! You did what?”
“I stopped Trump’s phone call with President Zelensky of Ukraine on July 25, 2019. Trump said some things that were wrong on the call. He didn’t seem to understand what he was doing. I felt badly for him. He got dragged through an embarrassing impeachment as a result. I thought Congress treated him unfairly. He ended up a one-term president. I was preparing to teach a lesson on Trump to my history class and I was re-reading the story in our textbook, which Bill O’Reilly wrote. I got the idea to go back in time. I pulled the plug on Zelensky’s phone and stopped the call.”
“Marty! You shouldn’t have done that! It’s because of you that I’m sleeping next to a dumpster behind the high school. If that call had gone through, they would have impeached him! He would’ve lost the election in 2020 and he wouldn’t have been able to force me out of my job!”
Just then, Marty and Doc see a long motorcade drive by. President Trump is in town, along with Vice President Sondland, and Biff, who’s the head of the Secret Service. They’re in town for a campaign rally in the high school gymnasium.
Marty sneaks backstage at the rally to investigate. President Trump is at the podium ranting and raving about the fake news and how Trump News is the only source you can trust. He reminds everyone that Trump News is the only news organization that’s legally allowed to operate. If anyone sees fake news being distributed, they should call the police right away.
He talks about all the criminals who can’t get into the country because of his border walls. Now, the U.S. has walls on the north and the south.
He talks about how he controls the voter database, and now the only people who are eligible for government assistance of any kind, including Medicaid, Medicare, “Trumpcare,” Social Security, and food stamps, are the people who voted for Trump.
Marty feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around and sees Ivanka Trump. She says, “Are you the new coffee boy? Could you please go get me a cappuccino?”
He says, “Sorry, no, I’m just here, ummmm…”
She says, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave, then. On your way out, would like to grab a copy of my new book, Bootstraps Capitalism?”
Marty says, “Sure.” He follows her over to a table full of books and picks one up. Ivanka steps aside and signals to Jared, who is peeking out from behind a curtain. He lets go of a rope. A sandbag drops out of the rafters and thumps Marty on the head, knocking him out.
Marty opens his eyes as Biff is cuffing his hands behind his back. He then jerks him to his feet and takes him out the back exit of the building.
Suddenly, Biff spots a guy wearing a Colin Kaepernick 49ers jersey. He forgets about Marty and runs off to chase that guy. He yells, “Quarterback sack!” tackles him, and starts punching him. Marty slips away.
He runs to the nearest house. It’s a huge mansion on a hill. Since his hands are cuffed, he kicks the front door a few times. The door opens and he sees Jennifer standing there.
“Thank goodness! Jennifer!” shouts Marty. “You gotta help me! Wait a minute. Why are you here? This isn’t our house. I’m a janitor. I can’t afford this. Are you a doctor or a lawyer or something?”
Jennifer speaks in hushed tones. She says, “What are you talking about, Marty? I divorced you, remember? You became so angry after you lost your teaching license. I couldn’t live with you anymore. I remarried a hedge fund guy who’s extremely wealthy. Can you please just leave us alone? We’re about to have dinner.”
A voice in the background calls out, “Who is it, honey?”
Jennifer answers, “No one! Just a second!”
Marty says, “You have to help me! I need to get these handcuffs off. I’ll explain later!”
She leads him into the garage and snips off his handcuffs with a bolt cutter. He leaves and runs back to where he parked the DeLorean. Doc is trying to jimmy the lock so he can sleep in there for the night. Marty unlocks it and says, “Get in, Doc! We gotta get outta here!”
Marty gets behind the wheel and Doc climbs in the passenger seat. They set the time machine for July 25, 2019 in Kiev. As they’re approaching the speed of 88 miles per hour on a straightaway, Doc grabs a pen and a scrap of paper out of the glove box and scribbles down a note. He folds the paper in half and stuffs it into his pocket.
They arrive in Kiev on July 25, 2019. They park the DeLorean in a dark alley and pull a tarp over it. They walk out to the main street near the presidential palace and see the other DeLorean with a giant hook attached to the roof. The other Marty is walking away from the car and going into a small store to buy a Pepsi Free.
Marty quickly runs over, grabs a wrench out of the car, and slightly lowers the hook’s angle. He pockets the wrench and runs off.
The other Marty comes out of the store with his Pepsi Free, jumps into the car and takes off down the street. The hook goes just under the phone line and does not snag it. He gets out of the car and tries to adjust it by hand because he can’t find his wrench.
Doc runs up. He says, “Marty! Don’t do it! I’m Doc from 2029! Don’t stop this Trump-Zelensky phone call! If you stop it, Trump won’t get impeached. He’s gonna run amok! He stays for five terms and maybe more! He’s gonna blacklist me and give my anti-nuke technology to Russia. Your parents are gonna be whistleblowers against him and he’s going to retaliate against your whole family! He’ll take your teaching license and you’ll end up a janitor! I’ve got to go now! I have to get your future self back to 2029 before you run into each other!”
Doc gives him a hug and slides the folded scrap of paper into his jacket pocket.
Doc runs back to the DeLorean in the dark alley, where Marty is waiting. They pull the tarp off, get in, and go back to 2029.
They roll into town just as school is getting ready to start. Marty goes into his classroom and looks at the posters of the presidents on the wall. Trump was one term, followed by Elizabeth Warren for two terms. The current president is Colin Kaepernick.
A student walks into the room, says, “Good morning, Mr. McFly,” and sits down at a desk.
Marty asks her, “How did Elizabeth Warren become president over Donald Trump?”
She says, “It’s because Trump was tainted by impeachment. He made that call to Zelensky and it all went downhill from there. Warren beat him in 2020. You should know. You’re the Elizabeth Warren expert!”
“I am? Okay. But why didn’t Joe Biden win?” asks Marty.
The student says, “I don’t know. I just know that Warren beat Biden in the primary and went on to win the general election twice.”
After school, Marty drives the DeLorean to a gas station. Biff comes out right away to pump his gas and wash the windshield. Marty goes inside to grab a can of Pepsi Free. The man working the cash register is a dejected-looking Gordon Sondland.
Marty has no idea where he lives, so he takes out his driver’s license to look at the address. He drives to that address. It’s the big mansion up on the hill. He parks in the driveway and walks into the open garage where a brand new jet black Toyota pickup truck is parked. Donald Trump, wearing tattered coveralls, is polishing the truck with a fine shammy.
Marty says, “Hi,” but Trump doesn’t look up. He keeps working while muttering over and over under his breath, “I want nothing. I want nothing. No quid pro quo. I want nothing. I want nothing. No quid pro quo.” Marty sees that Trump is wearing an ankle monitor.
Marty goes into the house and sees Jennifer cooking dinner. She’s blasting a cassette tape of Huey Lewis and the News on an enormous, vintage 1980’s stereo. She sees Marty come in the door and rushes over to give him a big hug and a kiss. She says, “How was your day?”
Marty says, “Great! I think. Lemme ask you something, Jennifer. Are we married?”
“Of course, silly,” she says.
“Awesome! One more thing: how did Elizabeth Warren beat Joe Biden in the 2020 Democratic primary?”
Jennifer says, “Are you fishing for compliments again? Isn’t it enough that I got it framed and hung it on the wall?”
She points to a framed newspaper clipping from The New York Times. It’s a guest op-ed written by Marty in 2019, in which he touts Elizabeth Warren as the best candidate for president.
“Whoa. This is heavy,” says Marty.
Just then, Doc bursts through the front door. He yells, “Marty, you’ve gotta come quick! It’s your cat! She gets stuck in a tree in the year 2037! We’ve got to go save her!”
“But Doc, why can’t the 2037 version of me help the cat? Can’t I just call the fire department?”
“There’s no time to explain! We have to go!”
They run outside and leap into the DeLorean. This time, Doc drives. As they accelerate to 88 miles per hour going down a straightaway, Marty turns to Doc and asks, “Did my op-ed in The New York Times really cause Elizabeth Warren to win the 2020 primary?”
“Of course it did, Marty,” says Doc. “It went viral. Back in Kiev, I’m the one who slipped you the note that told you exactly what to write in that op-ed. It worked! She won! We needed Medicare for All and campaign finance reform. Joe Biden wasn’t even going to try to do those things. After you wrote the op-ed, you even got a book deal!”
“That’s why I’m rich! I knew I couldn’t afford that mansion if I was just a high school teacher. I got rich off the book deal!”
“No, you didn’t,” says Doc. “You sold like 12 copies of that book. You got rich because you kept crisscrossing time in the DeLorean and gambling on sports.”
“Ah, of course,” says Marty.
They zoom off to the year 2037.
To be continued…
[The credits roll while Huey Lewis and the News’ “Back in Time” plays.]
