Sarcastic Factoids Brought to You by Your Dad
I know a good way to warm up when you’re cold. Put on some long sleeves. Put on pants. Where’s that Big Johnson shirt I just bought you?
If you keep leaving the freezer open, we’re not going to have ice cream. We’re going to have ice soup. And the Jello Fudgsicles are going to be hot fudge sundaes.
What are you, “bustin’ a sag?” Or are you standing in a super gravity zone that’s pulling your pants down to your hips? You know a Dockers belt could fix that.
You play that MC Hammer music any louder and this house is going to measure on the Richter scale.
I know a magical way to put a ten dollar bill for gas money into your Tommy Hilfiger wallet. Mow the lawn!
I never buy you anything? I guess that’s because your drawer just magically fills up with Levi Silver Tab jeans and BUM Equipment every August before school starts.
The earlier you wake up, the easier it is to get to school on time. Maybe quit hitting snooze on the alarm clock and you’ll occasionally leave the house with your shoes tied and even “pumped up.” And with Carnation Instant Breakfast in your stomach.
If you’d stop doing 52 in a 35, you’d have, I don’t know, a spare 65 bucks to spend at the bowling alley tonight with your friends. You might even have an extra 79 cents for a Chilito afterward. Or a “Biggie” fry. Did you know my insurance is going to go up now?
You’re too cool to wear my bike helmet when you ride out to meet your friends. Well, maybe when your South Carolina “Cocks” hat fails to protect your head in an accident, you’ll change your mind next time.
You don’t want to sit out back by the fire for a while? You have to go out now? I just made a fire. Sit for a few minutes. Have your friends come over here. Oh, you have to go so you can sit by a fire in somebody else’s back yard. And listen to what, LL Cool J cd’s? And come home with your Columbia jacket reeking of smoke because you’re burning soggy wood. Okay! It’s fine! I’ll go out there by myself. I’ve got the game on the radio, you know. Hey, is it okay I borrowed your Co-ed Naked Ice Fishing shirt? It’s funny. By the way, it says “Don’t look at my hook.” Why? Aren’t they supposed to be fishing?
If you put those D batteries in the fridge, you can get some extra juice out of them. For when you’re taping your Milli Vanilli songs off the radio.
