Don’t Invoke the 14th Amendment. It’s Old!

By guest writer Happy Gilmore

Don’t invoke the 14th Amendment. It’s Old!

Look at it. It’s too old!

It’s from the time of Abraham Lincoln, who’s up in heaven now with Chubbs and the alligator who ate Chubbs’ hand.

Leave the golf ball whacker guy alone. The one who looks like my neighbor, the accountant. All because he did a coup d’etat. You can’t dig up an old amendment and use it to punish the golf ball whacker guy!

It’s cruel and unusual, leaving his name off the ballot in November. It’s as bad as getting stood up waiting for your friend at Red Lobster. It’s as bad as getting a nail through the helmet when you’re goofing around on the construction site.

I oughta leave your name off the ballot in November and give you an atomic wedgie while I’m at it. Then you’ll see how it feels. It’s like putting a guy in the penalty box after he takes his hockey skate off and tries to stab somebody with it. It’s not fair!

Invading the halls of Congress, inciting an insurrection, fake electors. Asking to find 12,000 votes in Georgia. I went to high school with a guy who works at Subway. What’re you gonna do if I ask him for extra meatballs on my sandwich? Disqualify me from being president? How does that make sense?

I could ask him for 12,000 extra meatballs. The worst he can say is no. This is America. You don’t get disqualified from being president because you asked for extra meatballs. And plus, my buddy always gives me extra meatballs. Sue me!

“Big protest in D.C. on January 6. Be there, will be wild!” That doesn’t mean anything. So the golf ball whacker guy likes to have fun. I played in the Waterbury Open and saw people doin’ it in the woods. That was wild. I saw a guy moon Shooter McGavin with an H-A on one cheek and sure enough, P-P-Y right there on the other. That was wild. I punched the crocodile that bit off Chubbs’ hand. That was wild.

It doesn’t mean I did an insurrection. It doesn’t mean I directed an angry mob to assassinate the vice president. Let the golf ball whacker guy do his wild thing. Doing the bull dance, feeling the flow. Workin’ it.

I gave a dollar to the guy at the nursing home to take extra special care of my grandma. I threw a bunch of burgers and fries at the Meesta Meesta lady who jumped on my windshield. Is that any different from telling a well-known militia to stand back and stand by? And then inviting them to D.C. and telling them to march to the Capitol and take our country back with strength? And then they assault a bunch of police officers and break into a government building. What am I missing here? Is the Capitol a national treasure or something?

I assaulted a national treasure once. His name was Bob Barker and I beat him to a bloody pulp, more or less. Leave me off the ballot for president, why don’t you.

Picking on the golf ball whacker guy. “Why’s he want to be president?” “Why’s it so important to be president again?” “Why doesn’t he stay in Florida and fight his legal cases in peace for the rest of his life?”

Well, maybe they have a Donkey Kong machine in the White House and he wants to play it. Did you ever think of that?

Anyway, if you’d forget about the 14th Amendment for a minute, I’ll give you some kissy wissy smoochy woo. I wanna kiss you all over… and over and again. I wanna kiss you all over… buh buh buh… till the night closes in. Till the night closes in!

And till we get golf ball whacker guy’s name on the ballot because all he did was a little coup d’etat.

What, you don’t want breakfast?