Budget Cuts at Bayside
[Students are milling around the hallway before school. A guy on a skateboard, holding a boom box to his ear, rolls past.]
Zack: [talking on a huge cell phone]
Mr. Belding: Hey hey hey hey what is going on here? [clears throat] Zack, can I use your phone real quick?
Zack: Huh?
Mr. Belding: The school’s land line and internet got shut off today because we couldn’t pay the bill. I need to call my brother Rod to see if he can sub today for Mr. Dewey. He’s out on strike because we cut benefits.
Zack: Sure, Mr. B. I’ll let you use my phone. But it’s gonna cost ya.
Mr. Belding: Okay, Morris, what’s it gonna be this time?
Zack: The keys to the driver’s ed golf cart this Saturday night. I wanna take Kelly out to miniature golf under the stars. I promised I’d teach her how to putt, if you know what I mean.
[studio audience hoots and hollers]
Slater: Whoa whoa whoa, not so fast Preppie. I’m taking Kelly snorkeling at the beach on Saturday. Then we’re going out for dinner and dancing. I promised I’d teach her the mamba, the cha cha, and the tango, if you know what I mean.
[studio audience hoots and hollers]
Zack: Yeah, I know what you mean: it takes two to tango. I’ve got your tango right here. [He winds up and punches Slater.]
[Slater slams Zack against a locker, shoves him to the ground, and starts wailing on him.]
Mr. Belding: Whoa, settle down, you two. Fighting’s not the answer. No golf cart for you, Zack. It’s got a flat tire, anyway, and we can’t afford to fix it.
Kelly: [approaches] You both can forget about Saturday. I’m picking up an extra shift waiting tables at the Max. I have to make money to feed my family.
Slater: What about your dad? He has an awesome job making bombs and missiles at the defense factory in town.
Kelly: Bad news. World peace broke out. He just got fired.
Zack: Don’t worry, Kelly. We’ll figure out a way to help your family through this. I know, you should get a job as a model!
Slater: No, I know, Kelly. You should get a job at the mall selling menswear and acting in holiday plays.
Lisa: [Descends the staircase, pushes a button on a remote control. All the lockers pop open. They display all kinds of fancy clothes and accessories.] The Lisa Sale is underway! All proceeds go to fixing my mom’s Mercedes which Zack drunk drove into a telephone pole after the toga party last weekend.
Screech: Lisa, I’d like to buy these socks, but do you have any unwashed? I’d like to smell your perspiration.
Lisa: Sick, you nerd. [takes them away] I don’t perspire. I glow.
Mr. Belding: Lisa, would you consider donating some of the Lisa Sale money to the school? We could really use some new math textbooks. The old ones are, well…
[He opens a math textbook cover and a cloud of dust flies in his face. He slams the cover shut again and the whole book crumbles and disintegrates into a pile of dust on the floor.]
Jessie: Math, Mr. Belding? Math? After math nearly killed me last year? After math sent me into rehab for caffeine addiction and I missed an important audition with my R&B group Hot Sundae? How could you talk about math at a time when the girls’ swim team doesn’t even have a pool to swim in?
Mr. Belding: Budget cuts. We can’t afford the water for the pool. And with drought conditions what they are, the state wouldn’t have let us fill the pool, anyway.
Zack: Time out. [everyone but Zack freezes] No phone, no internet, no driver’s ed golf cart, no math text books, no water for the school swimming pool? What’s going on? And what’s that piece of paper in Belding’s pocket? [grabs it] A letter. Huh. Bayside’s closing its doors after this school year due to budget cuts?
[jazzy saxophone music leads into a commercial break]
[Kelly waits on Zack and Slater at the Max.]
Kelly: What do you guys wanna order?
Zack: I’m not hungry. Just a cheeseburger, fries, and a milkshake.
Slater: Make that two, Kelly. Two for me and none for him.
Zack: Hey, lay off, Slater.
[They both stand up and start wrestling on the floor as Kelly walks away.]
[Screech and a group of nerds walk into the Max.]
Slater: [standing up and fixing his silk shirt] Hey, you nerds, what are you doing wearing Valley sweatshirts?
Zack: [also stands up] Yeah, what about Bayside?
Nerd 1: We’re transferring. Bayside’s science lab stinks.
Nerd 2: Yeah, the beakers are broken and the test tubes are trashed.
Nerd 3: And don’t get me started on the Bunsen burners.
Zack: You soo, Screech? I mean, you too, Screech?
Screech: Don’t blame me. Besides the free sweatshirt, they gave me a set of Albert Einstein trading cards.
Slater: Bayside’s doomed. We’ll never win the science fair again without our nerds.
Zack: Yeah, well, Bayside’s more doomed than you think. Belding was carrying a piece of paper today that said Bayside’s closing down after this year due to budget cuts.
Slater: No way, Preppie. That can’t be true. I’m gonna bee-ba-bee-bababa-beat somebody up if that happens.
[Jessie and Lisa walk into the Max wearing cheerleading uniforms covered in black sludge. Jessie is carrying a duck covered in sludge and Lisa is carrying a rabbit covered in sludge.]
Jessie: Did someone say bee-ba-bee-bababa-bee? ‘Cuz guess what happened at cheerleading practice just now?
Screech: You and some animals fell into a huge chocolate pie?
Lisa: No, even better. We stuck a Bayside flag into the football field and struck oil!
Jessie: Now that gas prices are way up, they’re gonna put in some oil derricks, pump that oil, and fund our school properly again.
Slater: What are you talking about, Jessie? Don’t you care about the environment? Weaning our society off of fossil fuels?
Jessie: Sure, but this isn’t the 90’s anymore.
Zack: [looks down at his high tops, stonewashed jeans, and multicolored turtleneck] It’s not?
Jessie: With our politicians stripping public schools of funding while giving tax breaks to billionaires, this is the only way I’m going to get a good education and get into Stanford. I hate to say it, but drill baby drill!
Zack: Let’s go clean up these animals and get the party started!
Everybody: [dancing around, lining up to leave the Max] Bee-ba-bee-bababa-bee! Bee-ba-bee-bababa-bee GO BAYSIDE! Bee-ba-bee-bababa-bee! Bee-ba-bee-bababa-bee GO BAYSIDE!
