LEAKED: Brian Kelly’s Schedule of Upcoming Events
Brian Kelly shocked the college football world when he abruptly left Notre Dame to take the head coaching job at LSU. Everyone is wondering what’s next? What will the transition look like? Thankfully, I have obtained Brian Kelly’s upcoming schedule, which sheds some light on just that:
December 2021
Introductory press conference with LSU athletic director and administrators announcing 10 year, $95 million contract
Coach LSU in the Coke Zero Presented by Coinstar and Eckrich Sausage Liberty Bowl.
Cut an ad prior to the bowl game, thanking fans in advance for not putting Coke Zero and Eckrich sausage into a Coinstar machine and tweeting out a picture of it.
January 2022
Meet with academic advisors to the LSU football team to get the lay of the land. Browse the online portal where student athletes log in, register for classes, mark their own attendance, and choose their own grades for each class.
Hit the recruiting trail in Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, Tennessee, Florida, and Texas. Meet with a booster beforehand at the BP station outside of Baton Rouge to pick up a duffel bag full of crisp, neatly stacked and bundled, fresh off the presses “recruiting brochures” with non-sequential serial numbers.
February 2022
Time for some offseason rest and relaxation. Visit the Florida mansions of the top thirty LSU boosters. Thank them for their support and let them beat you at golf. Offer the moisture wicking LSU polo off your back and the LSU visor off your head if you have to.
Begin working on a passable Southern accent. At least learn to say “Baton Rouge, Louisiana” like the locals.
March 2022
Spring practice begins. Surprise your first string quarterback with a special, motivational one-on-one. Pull him out in the middle of his 11:00 am intro to basket weaving class and tell him you’re expecting big things from him this year.
May 2022
Attend graduation to watch the senior receive his diploma. Give him a hearty handshake, thank him for his service to the team, and ask if he could come back in the fall to talk to the freshmen about studying hard. Or at least give them a few pointers about penmanship for when they’re signing autographs?
August 2022
Fall practice begins. Be ready to show off your new, well-rehearsed Southern accent when you meet with the media. Try to mention gumbo at some point. Remember not to call it Gumby.
September 2022
Greet Jamarcus Russell warmly on the sideline during the Louisiana Monroe game. Tell him you’re glad he beat the pants off Notre Dame in the ’07 Sugar Bowl because you never liked Notre Dame, anyway. After the game ends in a loss, scurry to catch up with him and beg him to be your new offensive coordinator. Try not to look hurt when he flatly declines.
October 2022
Three game skid. Stop looking at the internet.
November 2022
Five game skid. Stop looking your players in the eye. Hide under the bench after the Alabama game so you don’t have to face reporters (or Nick Saban).
December 2024
Receive your walking papers. Figure out how you’re going to spend your $70 million buyout check. Call up Chuck Martin at Miami (Ohio) to see if he could use an offensive coordinator. When he offers “interim offensive consultant,” politely decline.
Call up Mike Tirico at NBC Sports to see if he needs a studio analyst for the Notre Dame broadcasts. Strangely, the call is lost mid-conversation. You assume it’s due to a bad signal. Step outside and call again. It goes straight to voicemail. You don’t hear back.
