Michelle Tanner From "Full House" Interviews President Trump

President Trump is sick and tired of dealing with terrible reporters. They ask him about his policy decisions, they read direct quotes from his own previous statements. They want to know what he would say to Americans who are scared about the pandemic. These reporters are very threatening, they practice a nasty form of journalism, and they’re out of control.

That is why President Trump, in his latest exclusive interview, would only agree to speak with the nicest, least-threatening person you can imagine: 4 year-old Michelle Tanner from “Full House.” 

The interview took place in Michelle’s bedroom, which has teddy bear wallpaper, pink curtains, and a pencil bed. The full transcript is below.

Michelle: Mr. President, you said that 100,000 to 200,000 Americans were going to die from the Coronavirus, and that would be a good thing. Why is that good?

Trump: Well, Michelle, it’s because this virus is very dangerous. But we’re working very hard. We’re doing our best to contain it and keep people safe. Unfortunately, a lot of people have gotten sick and it’s very sad.

Michelle: A while ago, you said the Coronavirus was a hoax. It was all under control, and pretty soon, we were going to have zero sick people. But now, more than 160,000 Americans are sick from the Coronavirus. What happened? Did the virus suddenly get super powers?

Trump: No, Michelle. The virus didn’t get super powers. Capiche? It’s just a normal, highly contagious, deadly virus.

Michelle: If it’s highly contagious and deadly, and you’ve known about it since January, why did it take so long before you did anything?

Trump: Sweetie, it’s because I was very worried about the economy. I wanted people to continue working and shopping and having a good time on cruise ships and at beaches, bars, restaurants, and hotels. You know, I wanted people to go to a Beach Boys concert. Capiche? All of those things are very important to our economy, sweetie.

Michelle: Isn’t that how the virus spreads, though? When people go out and do things in the economy?

Trump: You have to understand, honey. In the beginning, only a few people were sick. And people have to go out and work and buy things to keep the economy strong. If the economy isn’t strong, none of us will have any money. Without money, we can’t buy food, we can’t pay rent, we can’t keep the lights on. Our stock market will go down the tubes, sweetie!

Michelle: Mr. President, how do you get money?

Trump: I own properties, Michelle. Many, many properties.

Michelle: I thought other people own the properties, and they pay you to put the Trump name on them?

Trump: That’s not a nice question, honey. Did Jeff Bezos tell you to ask that question? And by the way, if you already knew the answer to the question, you shouldn’t have asked it, okay? Look, I’d be happy to tell you all about how I make my money. I really would. But right now, I’m under audit, so… hey! Why don’t we go downstairs and see what Uncle Joey’s up to? Maybe he can do a puppet show for us.

Michelle: First of all, you and I both know you’re not under audit. Second of all, a puppet show? You got it, dude! I just have one more question for you, Mr. President.

Trump: Have mercy.

Michelle: I want to get this straight. First, you said the Coronavirus wasn’t dangerous and it was more important to keep the economy strong. Later, you said you were trying your hardest to stop the Coronavirus and keep people safe. Now, you’re saying the best thing that can happen is if only 100,000 to 200,000 people die. 

Trump: Is this a question?

Michelle: Yes. Did you try to keep the economy strong or did you try to keep people safe? 

Trump: Both, honey. Both. A healthy economy is a healthy country, and we’re going to try to open everything back up as soon as we can. I’d say 100,000 to 200,000 American lives is a small price to pay for keeping the economy afloat for a couple extra months while my friends and I cashed out of the stock market. Capiche?

Michelle: You’re in big trouble, mister.

Trump: Not if I keep my financial statements hidden. Bill Barr’s got them under lock and key. Now, let’s go see about that puppet show.

Michelle: Okay, Mr. President. And can I have some ouse cream?

Trump: Sure, honey. As long as we get rid of this interview tape and you sign a non-disclosure agreement, you can have all the ice cream you want!

Postscript: Michelle got the ice cream, slipped the interview tape into the bib pocket of her overalls, stomped on the president’s foot, and ran out the door to Kimmy’s house without signing the NDA.

[Roll credits.]