Common Parenting Tips Adapted for People Whose Kids are Completely Out of Control and Also For People Whose Kid Is Zack Morris

Parenting advice can be valuable, but one of the major drawbacks is that every child is different. Adaptations and allowances are necessary. That is why I have customized seven common parenting tips to fit every conceivable situation. Finally, here is a resource that meets every parent’s needs.

Tip #1: Re-heat your coffee in the microwave multiple times throughout the morning. When you have kids, it’s hard to get a free moment to actually sit and enjoy a cup of coffee uninterrupted.

Adaptation for people whose kids are completely out of control: Let your coffee sit for a few minutes after you pour it. You’ll probably spend those few minutes confiscating toys that are being thrown and asking your kids to clean up various messes. When your coffee has reached an acceptable temperature, gulp it down as quickly as you can. There’s no point pretending you’re ever going to have a free moment to enjoy your coffee, let alone re-heat it.

Adaptation for people whose kid is Zack Morris: You can sit home, relax, and drink all the coffee you want. Your child attends high school at Bayside all day. After school, he does extracurricular activities like taking apart and re-assembling the principal’s brand new Mazda Miata in the school’s auto shop.

Tip #2: When your toddler is first learning to feed himself, lay a towel under his chair. It saves you from having to wipe food off the floor when the meal is over. All you do is pick up the towel, shake it off into the trash can, and throw it into the laundry. Easy cleanup!

Adaptation for people whose kids are completely out of control: Feed your child breakfast, lunch, and dinner at a picnic table in the park. Easy cleanup! Birds, squirrels, raccoons, and other animals will eat the food scraps your child scatters over a 12-foot radius.

Adaptation for people whose kid is Zack Morris: You have no idea what your child eats. All you know is that he comes home every day smelling like burgers, fries, chocolate shakes, and Screech’s secret spaghetti sauce.

Tip #3: Get out of the house with your toddler. Go to storytimes, playgroups, and classes. Your child will learn new things, have fun, make friends, get tired out, and take a nice nap later on. You might make a friend, as well!

Adaptation for people whose kids are completely out of control: Go ahead and try the storytimes, playgroups, and classes with your toddler if you’re feeling brave. But beware: if it’s boring, even for two minutes, stand up, take your child’s hand, walk out, and never come back. It’s not going to end well.

Adaptation for people whose kid is Zack Morris: It’s difficult for you to do special activities with your child because he’s always busy managing the school store, racing through “American Gladiator”-style obstacle courses that are set up in the high school’s hallway, and weaving elaborate lies about how Slater is terminally ill. Plus, you’re always busy working. Maybe if you occasionally stopped talking on your enormous cell phone, you could take your child fishing or something.

Tip #4: When you go out to a restaurant, allow your child to bring along a small toy or a coloring book with crayons.

Adaptation for people whose kids are completely out of control: Ask for an extra large table and bring along a brand new 500 piece Lego toy for your child to assemble (with your help) during dinner. You won’t get to have much conversation with anyone, but this is the only way your child is going to stay calm and quiet during dinner. 

Adaptation for people whose kid is Zack Morris: A trip to a restaurant with your child is not in the cards. Your town has one restaurant and it’s FOR KIDS ONLY. The only adults who have ever set foot in there are Max (the owner), James (the actor whose day job is managing The Max), Jeff (the creep who briefly dated Kelly), Mr. Belding, Casey Kasem, and a hot substitute teacher named Tony Crane.

Tip #5: Get a special clock for your child’s room that displays the time in red when it’s time to sleep and green when it’s time to wake up. The color coding will help your child stay in bed until the appropriate time.

Adaptation for people whose kids are completely out of control: Lock the door to your bedroom until it’s time to wake up. Whatever’s going on out there, who knows? Only go check and see what’s happening if you hear someone screaming or crying.

Adaptation for people whose kid is Zack Morris: You have no idea when your child goes to bed or when he wakes up, or even when he’s home. He uses his bedroom window as an entrance and exit to the house. You rarely go in there to check on him. For all you know, he might be running a business selling calendars that feature swimsuit photos of his classmates. Oh wait, he is.

Tip #6: Set a timer during your child’s bedtime routine. Once time is up, stories, songs, and snuggles are finished.

Adaptation for people whose kids are completely out of control: Why fight it? Stories, songs, and snuggles will continue forever and your child will make sure of it. Settle in and just do what he wants. Read the stories, sing the songs, and then fall asleep with him in his bed. Maybe you’ll be able to sneak out and have some “me” time at about 2 or 3 a.m., but only if you tiptoe really quietly. Or you can head straight to your own bed and get a solid three hour rest before everyone wakes up at 5 or 6 a.m., ready for another big day ahead!

Adaptation for people whose kid is Zack Morris: Your child does not need you to tuck him in. He just got a fake I.D. and he’s out at a night club spying on Kelly’s lying, cheating older boyfriend Jeff.

Tip #7: Six weeks into the school year, send your child’s teacher a quick email to inquire about your child’s progress. Ask if there’s anything you can do at home to support your child’s learning.

Adaptation for people whose kids are completely out of control: Do not contact the teacher. Let the teacher contact you if they need to talk. When you see the teacher, say hello, but do not make eye contact. Pause a brief moment so that if they have something urgent to tell you about your child, they can say it. A brief pause will do. Say goodbye and thank you. Be polite, but do not ask questions. If the teacher has something to say, they can let you know. Ignorance is bliss. 

Adaptation for people whose kid is Zack Morris: You have dozens of voice mails from Mr. Belding, but you haven’t listened to them yet. Everything’s probably fine. He’s probably just checking in. It’s not like he has to inform you that there was a huge oil spill outside the school and your child has been cleaning toxic sludge off of ducks all day. It’s not like he has to tell you that your child just squandered Miss Bliss’ entire life savings by buying potatoes on the stock market without permission. It’s not like he has to let you know that your son lied about being Jewish so he could skip school on Yom Kippur and go to a Dodgers game. It’s probably nothing.