My Closing Argument On the Election
Which candidate deserves to win on Tuesday?
It’s a tough choice. We’ve got one candidate with a track record we’re all familiar with. He’s been around a while. We know what to expect from him.
The other candidate has come into the spotlight only recently. We’re still not sure what to make of him. His negative qualities certainly jump right out at you. But if you look a bit closer, could he be the man with the better policies to help our country going forward?
With two days until the election, we’re faced with a big decision: Donald Trump or Hunter Biden?
Before we discuss the presidential candidates, though, let’s consider their running mates. One vice presidential candidate is undoubtedly a red-blooded American patriot. This person has been on the side of law and order from the get-go, making sure drug offenders and petty criminals serve significant time in jail and repay their debts to society. Kamala Harris has a long and proven track record.
We can’t be so sure about the other V.P. candidate, though. Does he have a hidden agenda? Who is he really working for? Are we sure he is even eligible to serve as vice president? If we could see a birth certificate (long form), it might allay some fears and reservations that many people have about Mike Pence. Unless, of course, he has something to hide.
The main event is the race for president. Let’s take a closer look.
Another four years of Donald Trump will be exactly what we expect. Same old, same old. He’ll continue his strong emphasis on the meat and potatoes of government: race baiting, xenophobia, pushing one outlandish conspiracy theory after another, talking big about Christian values while demonstrating none of them, unraveling the social safety net at every turn, using the Justice Department as a shield against personal liability and lawsuits, appeasing foreign adversaries, and angering allies. He will occasionally sprinkle in some empty talk about jobs, the economy, and the military. Ho hum. Boring old Trump.
On the other hand, what would we get with a Hunter Biden presidency? If we could all get a closer look at that laptop, we might have a better idea. Will he sell the Golden Gate Bridge to China? Will he sell the Empire State Building to, I don’t know, China? Will he sell the state of Nebraska to China? Will he sell all the tea in China to China? Will he sell your grandmother’s china to China? Will he try to make us into a communist country like Cuba? I mean, China?
Why does Hunter need a laptop, anyway? Is it to keep track of all his business deals with China? Is it to watch Youtube videos about China? We don’t know why he needs a laptop.
That’s why the laptop must be released to the public. Move it around from public library to public library all over the country. Let people take turns checking out the laptop for two-week periods, with three 7-day renewals allowed per person and a 50 cent per day fine thereafter.
We can all check out the laptop. We can see for ourselves what’s on it. We can look at the browser history and search through the files on the hard drive.
If anything looks objectionable or suspicious, we can simply refrain from voting for him.
If we like his screen saver or his desktop background, or if we see some cool documents, for example, maybe he has an Excel spread sheet where he lists all his favorite Bob Dylan songs, or maybe he has an Audible subscription and we get to listen to any book we want, then we can choose to vote for him.
We must release the laptop. Just two days away from the election, though, it’s getting a bit late. We’re running out of time.
Given a choice between boring old Donald Trump and crazy Hunter Biden and his laptop, I’ve decided to select a third option. I’m writing in Hunter’s dad, Joe Biden, who happens to be a longtime politician himself.
The only way to teach Trump a lesson for being so boring and Hunter a lesson for being so mysterious with his laptop is to vote for neither of them.
I’m sticking it to the system. I’m voting for Joe Biden.
