Top 10 Ways to Ensure That Your Blog Will Die a Slow and Painful Death and Even Your Parents Won’t Read It Anymore

Every blogger wants an audience.  What’s the point of writing a blog if no one’s reading it?  The key is finding an audience, preferably your parents, and keeping them engaged.  

So many pitfalls await the blogger, though.  Here are the top 10 mistakes which will ensure that your blog will die a slow and painful death and even your parents won’t read it anymore.

10.  Your blog will die a slow and painful death if you share your posts at “down times” on social media.  

If anyone is going to read your blog, they’re probably going to click through a shared link on social media. Who is going to share the link on social media?  You are.   

If your timing is bad, no one will see the link and no one will click, like, or comment.  Don’t post too late at night when your parents are sleeping.  Don’t post on a weekend when your parents are busy doing other things.  

If your timing is off, your blog post will slip through the cracks and into oblivion.  It will reach absolutely no one, not even your parents.

9.  Your blog will die a slow and painful death if the posts are too long.  

People enjoy the feeling of accomplishment.  Don’t frustrate them with never-ending blog posts.  See how short this section is?  Your parents want your blog posts to be about this short.

8.  Your blog will die a slow and painful death if the posts are too short.  

Consider all the time it takes to click over to your blog, wait for it to load, click on the post you want, wait for it to load, read it in fits and starts as it refreshes over and over because of an “error” that keeps happening on your crappy website.  

To make enduring all this nonsense worthwhile for your parents, you’re going to want to supply a decent amount of content for them.  If your posts are too short, they won’t even bother.

7.  Your blog will die a slow and painful death if you get too political.  

No one wants to think about Donald Trump more than is absolutely necessary.  Yet, you brought up Donald Trump in a few blog posts.  You said some things that your mom took issue with, and now she harbors bitter feelings toward your blog (but not toward you, personally).  

You blew it.  Why did you have to go and alienate half of your readership?

6.  Your blog will die a slow and painful death if you sidestep politics too often.  

Week in and week out, you’re blogging about basketball, silly things that toddlers say, and TV commercials that you remember from your youth.  

Meanwhile, Donald Trump is out there doing terrible things and people are suffering as a result. You’re not going to use your platform to speak out on behalf of the marginalized and oppressed?  Really?

If you’re not compelled to speak out at a time like this, then your privilege is showing.  You obviously could care less about what happens to anyone else.  If that’s the way you’re going to be, then your blog isn’t even worth a second thought. Your dad, in particular, is disappointed in your failure to speak out for what’s right.  

Sure, he’ll keep reading the blog.  But for about a week or two, he’s not going to promote it to his friends.  

Now look what you did by sidestepping politics!  

5.  Your blog will die a slow and painful death if you litter it with “humor” pieces that McSweeney’s rejected for publication.  

Here’s the routine: you write a weak little stab at comedy, you send it in to McSweeney’s, they reject it, and you cut and paste it onto your blog.  

Honestly, it’s insulting to your readers.  Do you think your parents deserve to be subjected to writing that’s been deemed unsuitable for publication elsewhere?  They know what’s going on and they’re starting to feel resentful.  (Resentful toward the blog, not toward you, personally.)

4.  Your blog will die a slow and painful death if you fail to include interesting pictures or videos.  

Your blog posts are not visually stimulating or interactive.  You don’t put up pictures of your family or friends, your house, the food you ate at dinner, or anything.  Your blog posts are nothing but big chunks of mind-numbing text.  

The only pictures you put up are on the blog’s menu page.  Each post has a picture that goes with it.  Those pictures are all stock images that you found on Google and used without permission.   

That’s despicable. Your parents deserve a better effort from you.

3.  Your blog will die a slow and painful death if you fail to pay attention to the analytics. 

Don’t you realize that four out of your top seven most-read blog posts are about Donald Trump?  You have to heed the numbers and keep pumping out Trump-related content if you want to keep your parents interested!

2.  Your blog will die a slow and painful death if you pay too much attention to the analytics.

You keep writing about Donald Trump because it gets you clicks.  Meanwhile, you’re aggravating your core audience.  They’re getting bored with the repetition.  If you don’t hurry up and break away from your pet topic, your parents are going to get fed up and seek novelty elsewhere.

1.  Your blog will die a slow and painful death if you start a blog.

Your blog might attract a consistent audience for a while, but soon, it will die a slow and painful death and even your parents won’t read it anymore.   

Why?  Because it’s a blog.  Just stop putting in the time and effort.  Shut it down.  No one wants to look at it, not even your parents.  

You should focus on submitting your writing to real websites.  McSweeney’s, sure.  But there are others!  If a piece gets rejected, simply print it out and mail it to your parents.  

That way, they’ll be more likely to read it AND you’ll save the $16 a month you pay to Squarespace to host your ad-free blog with a custom domain name and design.  

All that the $16 a month is doing right now is providing an attractive dumping ground for a bunch of writing that McSweeney’s didn’t want.  It’s just sitting there unread, unliked, and uncommented on.  

Give it up!  All blogs are doomed to die a slow and painful death.  

Maybe it’s time for you to quit the blog and start working on a book.  Now that’s a surefire recipe for success!

Postscript: You’re probably wondering if I have committed any of these grievous errors. The answer is, of course not!  My blog is alive and well.  Hi Mom and Dad!