I Believe in the “Good Guy With a Gun Theory” Because I Saw it Work Perfectly in “Billy Madison”

We all know the obvious solution to the problem of mass shootings: more guns.  

The more we have bad guys with guns plotting and carrying out mass murder, the more we need good guys with guns to quickly identify the bad guys and stop them in their tracks before they can shoot anyone.  I know this because I saw it work perfectly one time in a movie called “Billy Madison.”

Mass shooters have been attacking schools, places of worship, concert venues, night clubs, movie theaters, and stores.  The best way to counteract the trend is to make sure that good guys with guns are stationed at every single one of those places, all over the country.

We might as well say every restaurant, as well.  And every hotel.  And sports venue.  We need good guys with guns everywhere.  

The good guys can stand ready at all times just in case someone suddenly pulls out a gun and starts threatening to shoot people.  It worked in “Billy Madison,” so it would probably work in real life, too.  

In the movie, the bad guy, Eric, was on the stage of a quiz competition, stumbling through his answer to a question about business ethics.

Then, frustrated by his lack of knowledge on the subject, he pulled out his pistol.  He yelled, “Aaargh!  That question was not fair!  That was not in the reading.  I demand a new question!”  

He aimed his gun at Billy and it looked like he was about to pull the trigger.  Thankfully, Danny McGrath, a good guy with a gun, was standing in the back of the auditorium.  Danny fired his rifle at Eric and hit him in the butt.  Eric fell to the floor, writhing in pain, and was temporarily disabled.  

Because Danny was an expert marksman, Eric was the only casualty.  The potential mass shooter was presumably sent to prison and brought to justice in the court of law.  That is the ideal outcome for an active shooter situation, and it was all thanks to a good guy with a gun.

Some people think there are a bunch of flaws in the logic of the good guy with a gun theory, though.  For example, who is going to pay armed guards to stand watch over every public place in America for 24 hours a day?  Isn’t that going to be expensive?

The answer to that is obvious if you’ve ever seen “Billy Madison.”  The movie makes it clear that there are a lot of good people in this country who are gun owners and expert marksmen, and who have a ton of spare time on their hands.  Mostly, they sit around on old plaid couches in wood-paneled living rooms listening to Electric Light Orchestra and trying on different shades of lipstick.  

The good guys with guns have so much time on their hands.  They're able to drop in on quiz show events at the local high school where rich kids compete against their dads’ second-in-command at work to see who will assume control of the family's vast hotel empire when Dad retires.  

If a good guy with a gun has time to show up at a random event like that, it’s safe to say we have enough good guys with guns in this country to cover all our bases without having to pay anyone.

Another issue people bring up is, “What if these good guys with guns had their feelings hurt back in high school and now they don’t feel like going out to protect innocent lives because they’re too busy nursing their grudges at home in solitude?

It’s a valid point, but based on my experience watching “Billy Madison,” it’s actually an easy problem to deal with.  First, we need to locate all the good guys with guns.  Then, we contact their classmates from elementary school, middle school, high school, and college.  Anyone who picked on the good guys with guns back in the day will call them on the phone and apologize.

That is how Billy Madison did it.  He called Danny McGrath and said, “You probably don’t remember me, but I went to high school with you.  I kinda gave you a hard time back then, and I did some things that I thought were funny at the time, but now I just realize they were mean and stupid.  And I just wanted to apologize and I hope you forgive me.”

Danny said, “Yeah, sure. Don’t worry about it.”  

Sincere apologies like Billy’s ensure that the good guys with guns will stop nursing their grudges and get back out into the public square to protect people from mass shooters.  

When the good guys with guns save lives, their former classmates will react just like Billy did and say, “Man, I’m glad I called that guy.”  

The final concern that some people have is, “What if these good guys with guns inexplicably flip sides and decide to commit mass murder themselves?”   

After all, Danny McGrath was looking like a bad guy for a while there in “Billy Madison.”  He had a piece of paper taped to his wall that said “List of people to kill” and everything.  Nine names were on the list, including Billy’s.  It wasn’t until Billy called to apologize that Danny crossed his name off the list.   

In the end, Danny McGrath proved to be a good guy with a gun.  He could just as easily have been a bad guy, though.

In cases where a good guy flips and becomes a bad guy, you have to recognize one important fact: mass murders do happen sometimes.  

Also, remember: the gun that mowed down dozens of victims did not pull its own trigger.  Human evil pulled that trigger.  Hate pulled that trigger.  Mental illness pulled that trigger.  Video games pulled that trigger.

The widespread proliferation of guns and assault weapons did NOT pull that trigger, incidentally.  But video games definitely did.

We have so many problems in our society.  There is no magic wand we can wave to fix it all.  

On second thought, perhaps there is a magic wand.  

Think about it.  We could put a backup good guy with a gun in every public place in America to be on watch 24 hours a day.  The backup good guy with a gun would be in charge of watching the first good guy with a gun.  They would watch to make sure that the first good guy is not showing signs of flipping sides and committing mass murder.  

Imagine.  You walk into a store.  You see a good guy aiming a gun at customers and employees alike. (You never know who will be the next mass shooter.)  The backup good guy is aiming his or her gun steadily at the first good guy with a gun.  

Why not take it one step further, though?  The owner of the store could be aiming a gun at the backup good guy with a gun, just in case the backup starts acting suspiciously.  

I’m pretty sure this is the exact scenario that the Founding Fathers had in mind when they ratified the Second Amendment of the Constitution.  This is the picture of freedom they imagined all along.  Everyone constantly pointing guns at each other, forever.

Yahoo for the Second Amendment!  Yahoo for the good guy with a gun!  Yahoo for the backup good guy with a gun!  Yahoo for the backup backup, and so on!  

I can’t think of anything else we can do to stop mass shootings, so let's embrace this foolproof plan that I took from "Billy Madison" and move forward.

I think we’ve got it all figured out, now.  Knibb High football rules!