Hey, honey! I’m going to the store. Any special requests I can shoot down for you?

Peanut butter-filled pretzels? We have pretzels. We have peanut butter. Can you just put a spoonful of peanut butter onto a plate and dip the pretzels into it?

Frozen pizza? Look, I’ll make you a pizza. I know you and the kids don’t care for my pizza, but I’ll make it better this time. I promise.

Ice cream? We still have that strawberry Breyer’s no one likes, remember? The one that’s frozen solid and impossible to scoop!

Popcorn? I can make real popcorn. In our stovetop popcorn maker. As soon as I figure out why it spits out black smoke every time I use it.

Chips? I’m not buying more chips until we finish the ones we have. We still have like three handfuls of crumbs left in the chip bag and I can’t get anyone to eat them. Plus, I’m about to make popcorn.

Cereal? Do you know how expensive cereal is right now?

Kid’s Motrin? If the kids get sick, can’t we just crush up some regular ibuprofen into a thing of applesauce?

Juice? Nobody needs juice. It’s gone in like five seconds every time I buy it. Nobody wants juice.

Almonds? Remember the dentist said they’re no good for my teeth?

Toothpaste? Honey, I just used it. It’s fine. There’s a whole bunch at the bottom still, you just have to squeeze it up with a razor blade.

Crayons? Can we just sharpen the ones we’ve got? I mean, I’ll sharpen them. I will. Right after I make popcorn and look up a pizza recipe you guys will hopefully like.

Okay, off to the store! I’ll be right back with a bunch of apples smashed and bruised because I bagged them underneath a six pack of beer!

It doesn’t matter that they’re bruised! I’m using them to make apple sauce to go with the crushed ibuprofen!

Oh, and what do you want for dinner tonight? Honey? Honey?