THE Ohio State University played football in South Bend against Notre Dame this past weekend and I was there to witness it all. Or at least some of it. Here are a few snapshots from a weird weekend.

The word THE is an important word to Ohio State Buckeye fans. So important that one fan had on a gray baseball cap with “THE” stitched on the front in tall, red letters. He also wore a white OSU football jersey, which interestingly does not say “Ohio State” anywhere on it. I assume the “THE” hat is designed as a supplement/corrective to the typical t-shirt which would say “Ohio State.” Choosing to pair the “THE” hat with a shirt that says nothing was an interesting choice.

THE game kicked off at 7:30 pm. Since my brother and his wife hosted a sumptuous tailgate party at their house nearby, I didn’t need to set foot on campus until about 6:45. Walking through the parking lot at that time, I was surprised to see everyone was wearing roller skates. It was a bit tricky weaving through the tightly packed clusters of people all moving in different directions, especially due to the roller skates on everyone’s feet. Green shirts, white shirts, red shirts, everyone was teetering and tottering on the brink of collapse at any given moment.

One guy in a blue jersey was lying on his back next to a makeshift stage with corporate logos plastered all over it. Who knows what event had taken place there earlier? Nothing was happening anymore. Except this guy was lying on the asphalt just off stage left. Must’ve had a roller skating crash. He had an “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” look on his face, yet the cluster of ND fans standing a few feet away, casually sipping beers, had their backs to him. I imagine once he finally got up the gumption to tap one of them on the ankle, they helped him back up onto his roller skates. Either that or he passed out.

I finally pushed my way into the stadium and found my seat. Notre Dame had allowed THE Ohio State fans to sit in small clusters throughout the stadium. Normally, visiting fans are shoved into one section in the south end zone. The problem is, sometimes that section gets very loud, which emboldens the visiting team. Notre Dame’s solution to this was to scatter Buckeye fans throughout the stadium. That is how I ended up sitting with THE Buckeye fans in the row ahead of me and THE Buckeye fans in the row behind me. This was the first time, in my many visits to Notre Dame stadium, that it felt like I was THE visitor. I wouldn’t mind if they went back to putting THE visiting fans all in one section.

Halfway through the third quarter, Notre Dame was down 10-0. Then, during a timeout, a kid in the ND student section was being shown on the Jumbotron and he proceeded to rip his shirt off á la Hulk Hogan. Next thing you knew, Notre Dame was up 14-10 and the rest of the males in the student section were also going shirtless.

Things were looking good for Notre Dame. With 8 minutes left in the 4th quarter, a TV timeout was called. Everyone stood there a moment in silence. Something was missing. We were waiting for a voice booming over the public address system to say, “MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE. THIS IS OFFICER TIM MCCARTHY WITH THE INDIANA STATE POLICE.” Yet, no voice came on. Officer Tim McCarthy retired in 2015 and he unfortunately passed away in October of 2020. Tim McCarthy is missed greatly and I’d encourage Notre Dame to find a capable individual to deliver quippy safety messages in his place.

THE game was seemingly won with 4 minutes left. Notre Dame stopped THE Buckeyes on 4th down and regained possession. I waded my way down the row to where my cousin D was sitting, gave him a huge bear hug, and very dumbly yelled, “We did it!” I didn’t attempt further conversation because it was so freaking loud at that point. I high fived every Notre Dame fan within arm’s reach. THE Buckeye fans near me stood there droopily with their arms crossed. All ND had to do was hold the ball, force THE Buckeyes to use up their timeouts, punt with little to no time left on the clock, and savor the victory.

It wasn’t meant to be. Notre Dame punted with WAY too much time left on the clock (1 minute 26 seconds) and they allowed THE Ohio State to retain one timeout. Several plays later, the ball was on the one yard line with 3 seconds on the clock. THE Ohio State ran the ball into the end zone and the game was over. I very dumbly opened up Twitter to see if Pete Sampson had any comment on that play, only to see a Lebron James tweet pop up instead saying “Walkoff TD lfg!” Thanks, Lebron.

As I walked back to the car, I noticed everyone had taken off their roller skates and put on regular shoes instead. Notre Dame fans were quite silent, as were THE Ohio State fans, although you did hear one let out a whoop or two on occasion.

I walked next to a couple of college-age kids (Notre Dame fans) and we were right behind a Buckeye fan. One of the kids kept saying over and over to this guy’s back, “Worst school in the country. Worst school in the country. Worst school in the country.” Because when you’ve been licked on the football field, the only recourse left is to remind them that their academics stink.

Near midnight, I sat in deadlock traffic and a few feet away on the sidewalk, a 40-something year old Buckeye fan and his wife or girlfriend were dancing to non-existent music. They didn’t need any music, apparently. They wanted to get honked at, but no one honked. They wanted to get told, “Get a room!” but no one told them to get a room. My dad, my sister, my wife, and I just sat there in the car staring at their awkward gyrations while the talk radio postgame show informed us Notre Dame had 10 men on the field during the final two plays of the game.

We’ll see if they’re still dancing after the Michigan game. Worst school in the country.