Roll Tide? Double Roll Tide? How about Super Mega Roll Tide? Sounds good to Alabama head coach Nick Saban.

Kirby Smart and Georgia would like to wipe away their reputation as a soft team in the big games. 

That’s why the two schools are pushing ahead with plans to create college football’s first “Ultra Strong Super Mega Conference” sponsored by Charmin.

Flush out the crappy teams. This conference will feature only the best of the best: Georgia and Alabama. Every game will be like a bowl game. They will lift the lid on how exciting football can be. Week after week throughout the season, Alabama and Georgia will square off amid a cacophony of noise and drop of a load of entertainment on America’s doorstep. 

The schools are working out a 12-game regular season schedule for 2022, featuring six home games and six road games each, plus a conference title game at a neutral site. The conference champion will earn an automatic bid to the Bowl Championship Series playoff. And given this will be the nation’s preeminent college football conference, the runner-up will automatically secure a playoff spot, as well.

A television deal to air all Charmin Ultra Strong Super Mega Conference football games could be worth up to $3 billion per year. CBS is in talks with officials from Georgia and Alabama to secure the exclusive broadcasting rights.

To critics who are concerned that the Georgia-Alabama rivalry could become stale and stinky from leaving the door shut to other teams, Georgia head coach Kirby Smart had this to say: “Since when is great football ever stale and stinky? How can anything great be stale and stinky? I drink the greatest coffee, Starbucks, and I never get tired of it. I drive a Lamborghini because it’s the greatest car and I never get tired of it. Now, we’re getting ready to partner with Charmin because it’s the greatest toilet paper and it’ll never leave you raw or irritated. That’s a guarantee. And every Saturday next fall, you’re going to be able to turn on your TV and it’ll be like watching a Starbucks cup go against a Lamborghini that has a 36-pack of Charmin riding in the passenger seat. That’s because my Lamborghini doesn’t have a trunk or even a back seat. I have to throw all my stuff onto the passenger seat. And I can’t wait to see who wins that matchup every week. Hopefully us.”

“College football is a special tradition,” added Alabama coach Nick Saban. “You put on your red uniform, or white, whatever the case may be, on a Saturday afternoon. You compete with your team all season long until you arrive at the BCS playoff because you’ve proven over the course of the season that you are in fact Alabama, or Georgia, and you’re here to claim your spot. Even if you’ve been duking it out all season against each other, what America wants is for you to do it one more time on the big stage. Only this time, it actually counts. That’s what gets me fired up.”

This will certainly not be your father’s college football conference. There won’t be a stinker in the bunch. Number one and number two, going at it. The margin for error is tissue paper-thin. The Charmin Ultra Strong Super Mega Conference will light a match under college football and spark a whole lot of noise. 

Double Roll Tide, indeed. Cleanup on aisle 2022. A Dawg is getting ready to leave his mark.