How was your Labor Day? Good? Barbecue, swimming, perhaps a boat ride? I’m glad you had a nice Labor Day.

But did your Labor Day measure up to the greatest Labor Day of all time, the one portrayed in the 1955 movie “Picnic”? Here are a few questions for you, just to see if your Labor Day was up to snuff:

1. Did you ride the rails in an empty freight car and hop off in a strange and unfamiliar Kansas town on Labor Day morning?

2. Did you knock on an old lady’s door and ask if you could do some odd jobs in her yard, but before you got started, she invited you to sit at her kitchen table and eat a breakfast of homemade cherry pie?

3. Did the yard work consist of burning the old lady’s trash in a steel barrel, yet weirdly, she was the one who stuffed the barrel full of trash and lit it on fire, and all you did was stand there and stir it around a little with a stick?

4. Did you peel off your filthy shirt while you worked because the old lady offered to wash it for you?

5. Did you get shamelessly ogled by all the ladies in the neighborhood?

6. Did you ditch your work after about two minutes because you saw the town beauty getting harassed by the paper boy and you had to go stop him?

7. Did you show off your awkward basketball skills, chucking the ball at the hoop with a two-handed chest pass while hopping in the air like a bunny?

8. Did you head over to your college buddy’s house, see him hitting golf balls in the yard with his dad, and ask if you could please have a job at their family’s grain business?

9. Did your college buddy promise you a job, then take you around town in his swanky Chevy convertible, first to tour the grain elevator, then to the lake to take a swim with the local youths?

10. Did your stunt double perform an incredible flip off the high dive to the amazement of the local youths?

11. Did you find out your college buddy is going steady with the town beauty and now you’re set up on a date with her bookish younger sister for the big Labor Day picnic that afternoon?

12. Did you borrow a suit and tie from your college buddy to wear to the picnic and did he loan you his brand new Chevy convertible, as well?

13. At the picnic, did you participate in a rolling pin throw, a balloon blowing contest, a ring toss, a pie eating contest, a three-legged race, and a contest to find loose coins buried in a haystack?

14. Did you ride in a swan boat, eat a big slab of watermelon, and lounge under a shade tree with your date and all your new friends?

15. Did you hit the dance floor at nightfall and groove to some swinging big band music?

16. Did you start dancing with the town beauty, who’d just been crowned this year’s beauty queen, while your college buddy wandered off to who-knows-where?

17. Did you and the town beauty suddenly realize you have an undeniable connection and chemistry?

18. Did a cranky old maid schoolteacher, soused on liquor her date coaxed her into drinking, grab you and demand that you dance with her?

19. After a few minutes of creepy comments and incessant pawing at your body, did you politely request to go sit down and take a break, only to have the old maid schoolteacher rip your shirt off in a fit of pique?

20. Did everyone suddenly stare at you and then discover that your date (the town beauty’s bookish younger sister) is blackout drunk because she found the old maid schoolteacher’s date’s bottle of liquor lying around and she didn’t know any better than to drink it all down?

21. Did you take off running when the schoolteacher blamed you for getting the girl drunk and announced to everyone that the bottle of liquor was yours?

22. Did you grudgingly allow the town beauty to hop into the convertible as you escaped the scene because she knew you were innocent and she wanted to help you?

23. Did you park out by the train tracks because you were going to hop the next freight out of town, only you got sidetracked talking to the town beauty, and next thing you knew, you were in a rapturous embrace while a locomotive zoomed past, possibly symbolizing the imminent act of coitus, while the camera chastely cut away before any clothes were removed?

24. Did you take the town beauty back to her house well past midnight and tell her if you’d done anything to make her “unhappy,” well, you’d “just wanna die,” pretty much confirming that something naughty happened out by the train tracks?

25. Did you pop by your college buddy’s house later that night so you could come clean about your feelings for his girlfriend, only to have his father call the police on you for allegedly stealing his car, when actually your buddy loaned it to you?

26. Did you successfully flee the police and rendez-vous with the town beauty early the next morning, right before you hopped a train out of town?

27. Did the town beauty, for some reason, agree to meet up with you and start a new life in the next town you’re headed to, once you’ve sent word back that you’ve got a job and a place to stay?

If you answered yes to all 27 questions, congratulations, you had the greatest Labor Day ever! If not, sorry about that. Your Labor Day did not measure up. Maybe next year.