[Please imagine the following intro being read to you by actor Sam Elliott.]

Sometimes there’s a man.

Sometimes there’s a man who plays basketball.

And I’m talking about a man who plays basketball so well, he makes it to the NBA.

Sometimes this man who plays basketball in the NBA has a name that sounds like a character on a daytime soap opera. “Days of Our Lives” or “The Young and the Restless.” Maybe even “General Hospital.”

He has the name. But he also has the look. He looks like he belongs on a soap opera. He’s the most daytime drama-looking fella you could imagine. He fits right in there.

But sometimes there’s a man. Sometimes there’s five men. Aw. I lost my train of thought, here. Aw, heck. I done introduced them enough.

These are the “Days of Our Lives” NBA All-Stars. Enjoy the show.

[End of Sam Elliott intro.]

Power Forward: Tom Chambers, Phoenix Suns (pictured in 1989)

Tom Chambers is the show’s main character. He comes from a wealthy family and his parents want him to take over the family’s business empire. Tom isn’t interested. He’s pursuing his true passion as a professional basketball player. His parents are angry and decide to sabotage his career. Through blackmail and bribery, they convince his teammates to stop passing him the ball, hoping it will cause his scoring numbers to plummet to the point he is cut from the team. Then, he’ll be left with no other option but to join the family business.

Center: John “Hot Rod” Williams, Phoenix Suns (pictured in 1996)

John “Hot Rod” Williams is Tom Chambers’ best friend. The problem is, Tom’s parents have blackmailed him. They tell Hot Rod he has to convince the rest of the team to stop passing the ball to Tom. To accomplish this, he invents some wild lies about how Tom has a contagious (but invisible) skin disease, therefore no one should let him touch the ball. If Hot Rod fails to accomplish his task, Mr. and Mrs. Chambers will tell his wife that they saw him out with another woman at Luna’s, the extremely upscale restaurant in town which also has a small dance floor and music that is just quiet enough that everyone can still easily converse. Hot Rod complies with the blackmail scheme, not because he was cheating on his wife, but because he was at Luna’s with a party planner who was helping him put on a surprise party to celebrate his wife’s upcoming graduation from nursing school. If his wife finds out what he’s been up to, the surprise party will be ruined.

Shooting Guard: “Thunder” Dan Majerle (changed to the more conventional spelling “Marley” for the purposes of the show), Phoenix Suns (pictured in the early 1990’s)

“Thunder” Dan Marley is the teammate who inadvertently finds out that Hot Rod Williams is being blackmailed by the Chambers family. He convinces Hot Rod to spill the whole story, but promises to keep his mouth shut so that Mrs. Williams’ surprise party isn’t ruined. Later, though, when the team goes on a bad losing streak, Dan starts to have second thoughts. He wants to bring Tom Chambers back into the offense because he’s a good shooter. He wants to pass the ball to Tom again. Hot Rod begs him not to, promising that they’ll still make the playoffs, and by playoff time, the surprise party will have happened and they can pass the ball to Tom without repercussions. He’ll hopefully have a big showing in the playoffs and get a new contract. Dan Marley isn’t so sure, though. He’s getting antsy and really does not want to miss the playoffs.

Point Guard: Steve Nash, Phoenix Suns (pictured in the early 2000’s)

Steve Nash doesn’t mind keeping the ball away from Tom Chambers. He thinks Tom is too much of a goody-goody, anyway. Also, he has been bribed by Mr. and Mrs. Chambers. They signed him to a rich endorsement deal to market their brand of frozen dinners in exchange for freezing Tom out of the offense. As long as Tom’s numbers are bad, the Chambers will continue to pay Steve big money to do their TV commercials. He wants to be a star and he enjoys the fame and adulation (and money). He becomes concerned one day when he overhears Hot Rod Williams and Dan Marley in the locker room. Dan is expressing reservations about snubbing Tom. He tells Hot Rod he really doesn’t want to do it any more. Later that day at practice, Dan shocks everyone by passing the ball to a wide open Tom, who swishes a three pointer. Next time down the court, as Dan is running to set a screen for Tom, Steve whips a pass straight at Dan’s head. He nails him. Dan crumples to the ground and is out like a light.

Small Forward: Julius Erving, a.k.a. “Dr. J,” Philadelphia 76ers (pictured in 1984)

Julius Erving is also known as Dr. J because he has a medical degree and practices as an emergency room doctor in the offseason. When Dan Marley passes out unconscious on the court, Dr. J rushes over to help him. Steve Nash says, “Gee, I didn’t mean to hit him. He should’ve been paying attention.” Dr. J looks at Steve skeptically, then turns his attention back to the patient. He asks someone to hurry up and fetch a bag of ice, a stretcher, and a neck brace. An ambulance arrives and takes Dan to the hospital. Dr. J rides along. He works around the clock to nurse Dan back to health.

Will Dan Marley recover from his traumatic brain injury?

Will Tom Chambers ever find out that his parents blackmailed and bribed his teammates?

What about Hot Rod Williams’ wife’s surprise party?

Is that other woman from Luna’s really just a party planner?

To what lengths will Steve Nash go to maintain his endorsement deal with Mr. and Mrs. Chambers?

Will Dr. J’s dedication to practicing medicine hinder his performance on the basketball court come playoff time?

You’ll have to tune in next time to find out all this and more. This has been the “Days of Our Lives” NBA All-Star show. Thanks for tuning in.

Bonus material: You might be wondering why four of the five players on the team played for the Phoenix Suns. I have two comments about that. First, these five guys are simply the most soap opera-ready guys I could think of, by virtue of their names and their looks. The NBA team they played for has nothing to do with it. Second, all of that notwithstanding, if any NBA team seems like it emerged from the script of a soap opera, it would be the Phoenix Suns. It kind of feels like a fake team. The purple and orange colors are strange. They’re located in a sunny, pleasant place, just like in a soap opera. The name “Suns” is surprisingly mundane, as if it were made up by someone who doesn’t know much about sports.

What am I saying? Are the Phoenix Suns somehow statistically more likely to have guys who look like they belong on a soap opera? I don’t know. You tell me: