If you are having a baby, you need to read the books on parenting.  

“But how do I read all the books on parenting?” you’re wondering.  “There are so many, and they all tell you something different.  It’s so much to keep track of!”  

That’s why I’m here.  I’m here to help you with the books.  You can get through the books if you heed my advice.

First, you have to ask yourself the following questions:

·     Am I a high achieving parent who wants to raise a high achieving child? 

·     Am I a high achieving parent who wants to raise a child who can relax and know how to have a little fun now and then, while still at the end of the day being a pretty high achiever?

·     Am I a high achieving parent who wants to raise a child who has no expectations, no restrictions, no discipline ever imposed on them, but at the end of the day, they will still somehow teach themselves how to be a pretty high achiever?

 If you answered “yes” to any of those questions, then I have good news for you.  A whole slew of parenting books is waiting for you at your local library or bookstore. 

“What about books for non-high achieving parents?” you ask.  Sorry, the only people reading parenting books are the high achieving parents.  There are no parenting books for low achieving parents.  

Nor are there parenting blogs for low achieving parents.  Not even this one.  

If you are a low achieving parent, please close your web browser, turn off your device, and step away from the area.  This blog is not for you!

So, high achieving parent, how do you navigate through the stacks and stacks of parenting books that are all geared toward you?

Step one is narrowing down your options. Find a parenting book that looks good to you.  Then, do some research to make sure that it’s the author’s first foray into parenting books.  

Find all subsequent parenting books written by that same author.  Throw them all away.  Don’t even look inside them.  It’s all the same stuff from the first book, over and over again. 

The only thing different about the later books is that the author is trying to pretend that they are the same as always, still with their ear to the proverbial parenting “street,” and they’re not at all out of touch with everyday people, even though they’re now swimming in cash and living in the lap of luxury because their first book sold a ton of copies to all the ravenous, high achieving parents out there.

Go through all the parenting books this way.  It won’t take too long to narrow down your options.  

Then, it’s time for step two.  Select the books that meet at least one of the following criteria:

A.     The title states something that you already agree with (or that you agree is probably true).  Example:

·     Overmedicated and Undertreated: How I Lost My Only Son to Today’s Toxic Children’s Mental Health Industry

(I’ve never thought about it before or done any research, but now that I’ve read this book title, I do believe that today’s children’s mental health industry is completely toxic!)

B.     The title describes something you aspire to.  Example:

·     The Happiest Baby on the Block: The New Way to Calm Crying and Help Your Newborn Baby Sleep Longer

(Maybe the book title should be changed to, How Edenic Do You Want Your Parenting Experience to Be?  Really Edenic, or Extremely Edenic?)

C.     The title presents an issue that gets your blood boiling.  Example:

·     Home Alone America: Why Today’s Kids are Overmedicated, Overweight, and More Troubled Than Ever Before

(How dare they overmedicate, overfeed, and generally spoil those kids rotten! That won’t be my kid!)

D.     The title presents an issue that makes you petrified with fear.  Example:   

·     Driven to Distraction: Recognizing and Coping with Attention Deficit Disorder

(Will I do something that drives my child to acquire ADD?  What steps can I take to ensure that my child will not be “driven to distraction?”) 

E.     The title purports to eviscerate the type of parenting done by people who are wealthier than you.  Example:

·     The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids

(Ha ha!  The privileged types are ruining their kids! All their material advantages are backfiring on them!  Ha ha!)

F.     The title promises to enlighten you about some previously unknown parenting utopia, where everything is so much more amazing and effortless, and look!  Here are some really gimmicky things you can try with your kids that will make you look like an idiot when you actually try them.  Example:

·     Bringing up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting

·     Bébé Day By Day: 100 Keys to French Parenting

·     The Danish Way of Parenting: What the Happiest People in the World Know About Raising Confident, Capable Kids

(Who doesn’t want to find out about a parenting utopia?  Sign me up! Spoiler alert: the books are mainly about how the kids in those places never eat junk food.)

G.     The title promises that to be a better parent, you actually have to do less parenting, not more!  Example:

·     Hyper Parenting: Are You Hurting Your Child by Trying Too Hard?

(Yay!  I get to relax for once!  But now my child is going to tear up the whole house, and I have to let him do it, because the book said so!)

H.     The title promises to show you how to be a laid back, chilled-out parent, but at the same time, you’ll end up knowing a ton of inside info about your child’s personal life.  Plus, when your child becomes an adult, they’ll think it’s fun to hang out with you and go out to drinks and stuff, and in that way, you’ll stay totally in the loop with them.  Example:

·     Bar Hopping With Your Grown-Up Kids: How You Can Parent in Order to Make This Happen and Then You Can Brag to Other Empty Nesters and Make Them All Jealous*

(*All of the book titles in this list are real books, except for this one. Sorry.)

 

Select the books that meet at least one of the above criteria.  Put all of those books into a pile.  This is your “reading pile.”  Read all of those books from cover to cover.  

Go ahead.  I’ll wait.

 

Welcome back!  By now, your child is at least four years old.  Don’t worry, though.  You can put all of that advice for newborns up to age four into practice when and if you have another baby down the road.  

Congratulations!  You have learned all there is to know about parenting!  

(That is, until it’s your turn to write a parenting book.  When that happens, you will be revealing a crucial new piece of the parenting puzzle. High achieving parents will be beating down the doors to read all about it!)