Are you expecting?  Do you want to give your baby a cutting-edge name?  Look no further than the following comprehensive list.  These names are guaranteed to shock and amaze your friends and family with their utter creativity, originality, and coolness.  

Here is my highly recommended baby naming strategy:  While you are pregnant, pick your top choice from each of the following categories. Then, narrow those choices down to your top three.  

Everywhere you go, tell friends, family, and strangers your top three choices. See which name makes people wince the least when you tell it to them.  Whichever name this tends to be, make that your final choice for the world’s coolest baby name!      

 

I. Fancy Names:  Do you appreciate the finer things in life?  This category is for you.

Laketon—you own a lake house and you go there a ton.

Leighton—you are cool enough to think of a name with a silent “gh.”

Hampton—you obviously own a house in the Hamptons, otherwise why would you name your child that?

Cape—you own a beat-up fishing boat, but not because you are poor.  You’re rich, but you just like owning a beat-up fishing boat.

Cayman—while your less-fancy friends and neighbors are stuck in blinding snowstorms in wintertime, you are sipping mojitos in the Cayman Islands on a fancy vacation.

Cabo—same idea as “Cayman.”  Only, this name is for parents who prefer going to Cabo.

II. Earthy/Woodsy:  Do you like hiking, camping, and kayaking?  Do you compost?  Do you want your child’s name to convey that information to others?

Sassafras—your child smells kind of nice after you gnaw on them for a while.

Sagebrush—your child gets tossed about whenever a stiff breeze comes along.  Try to feed your child more protein.  Almonds, maybe?

Root—you and your child are interested in the root causes of what ails our society.

Shovel—your child is burly and strong, but still a hippie.

Dirt—your child is interested in being friends with a child named Shovel.

Rooster—your child will be a leader. Your child will not sit on eggs.

Gravel—your child is a bit rough around the edges.

Twobyfour—you will encourage your child to learn a trade, thus proving that you are not a snob.

 

III. Worldly/Culturally Inclusive:  How open minded and cultured are you?  You are so open minded and cultured! 

Mahatma—your child will participate in very peaceful protests.

Martin—your child will participate in peaceful protests

Malcolm—your child will participate in sort of peaceful protests.

Paris—your child will wear a beret.

Sydney—your child will spend their life explaining which vowels are in their name and where they all go.

Milan—your child will be born with a chocolate coating on one side.

Mulan—people will constantly tell your child that they haven’t seen that movie, but they really want to.  Should they? Yes, they will. They really will see it sometime.

Schnitzel—your child will love German food.

Chad—your child will need to remind people that they don’t have an ordinary name.  They are named after a country in Africa.

Turkmenistan— you will have to admit that you don’t actually know much about Turkmenistan.  You just chose the name because it sounds pretty.

Himalaya—your child will get laughs whenever they wear a white cap that has the word “Snow” printed on it.

Sherpa—your child will have incredible lung capacity.

Everest—your child will constantly have to explain that they are named after a mountain, not after a mattress brand or a coffin manufacturer.

Sheboygan—it’s a great place to visit in summer.  It’s also the perfect name for either a girl or a boy.

Arctic—your child will always have frosty, minty-smelling breath.

38th (middle name “Parallel”)—your child will prefer to live at a very specific latitude.  Have you ever considered moving to a demilitarized zone?  

Xianous-- is it a Greek name?  Is it Chinese?  Is it Scandinavian?  How is it pronounced?  Keep everyone guessing and change your answer each time you’re asked!

Stonehenge—your child will tell time inaccurately, and only during daylight hours.  Later, you'll find out that your child wasn't built to be a sundial, anyway.

IV.  College Sports Fan:  

Tarheel-- for North Carolina fans

Cougar-- for BYU fans

Augmon-- as in Stacey, for UNLV fans

Woj--as in Duke’s original “floor-slap” guy

Flutie-- as in Doug, for Boston College fans

Hurley-- as in Bobby, for Duke fans

Victor-- as in University of Michigan’s self-description

Laettner-- as in Christian, another for Duke fans

Lattner-- as in John, for Notre Dame fans

Duck-- as in Oregon

Heisman-- for anyone who likes college football quarterbacks and running backs. Preferably, running quarterbacks.

Aggie-- as in Texas A&M

Bruin-- as in UCLA

—Or, invent your own college sports-themed baby name: Take your college’s name, mascot, colors (for example, “Scarlet”), city of location, or any famous alumni athlete’s name (first or last) and customize your baby name with whatever sounds the coolest.  

V.  Kitschy/Hipster:  Do you march to the beat of a different drummer?  Do you often daydream about random bits of nostalgia?  Try a name from this category!

Schlitz—your child likes a bargain. A hip bargain.

Tapioca—you will often get asked, “Wasn’t that the name of Cory’s girlfriend on ‘Boy Meets World?”’  You will answer, “No, that was Topanga."  Tapioca, on the other hand, is the hippest of all pudding flavors.

Magenta—this is the hippest, kitschiest color.

Stroh—your child will look like a little party-person even when they’re little.  They will pop their collar.  They will always use a beer cozy with their beverage, even at the dinner table.

Legwarmer—those were the best!

Hipster—this name will lay out your child’s path quite nicely.  They will live in a really crappy apartment by age 19. 

 

VI.  U.S. History/Presidential:  Lend a magisterial tone to your child’s name.  Snatch a name out the bowels of the nearest history book (or set of World Book Encyclopedias).  Or just use one from this list:

Madison—your child, despite all their accomplishments, will ultimately be outshone by their spouse.

Lincoln—many states will claim to be your child’s true home.

Reagan—your child will feel right at home in irrelevant airports.

Taft—your child will enjoy a good bath. Getting out of the tub might present a problem, though.

Grant—you will be the only known person to have named their child after the concept of "land grant universities."

Harding—you will need to occasionally remind people that your child is named after a president, not a grocery store.

Hoover—give your child this name just so you can take a picture of them standing near the Hoover Dam.  That picture will get you some major likes on social media.

Tennessee—middle name “Valley Authority.”

Molly—middle name “Hatchet.”  

New—middle name “Deal.”

Separation-- middle name “of Powers”

Trickle-- middle name “Down”

 

After all is said and done, remember that your baby’s name doesn’t have to make any sense at all.  It is totally up to you.  Have fun with it!  

Even while you are enjoying the opportunity to name your baby something creative and original, though, be careful.  Some names can be easily adapted into unseemly nicknames.  Think ahead.  Make sure you thoroughly vet your baby’s name for any potentially awkward variations.  Here are a few names you definitely do not want to use!

 

VII.  Do Not Name Your Baby:

Weenis

Fagina

Mervert

Fitz

Cass

Fown-noser

Midiot

Dorcas

Tuck

Rex

Condom

 

If you use this list as your guide, you are certain to end up with the most cutting-edge baby name ever, and one that will make you the envy of everyone you meet.

Bonus material:  Highlight, cut, and paste the section below the line into a Word document.  Print out the document, write your baby’s name in the blanks, and tape the piece of paper to the wall near your baby’s crib when he or she finally arrives! Congratulations on choosing the coolest baby name ever!

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Welcome to our world, 

 

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