I was wondering why so many Christians are against impeaching Donald Trump.  Then I came across the following passage in the Bible and it finally made sense.  The passage is from 2 Samuel chapter 11 (New Revised Trump Version).  

Of course, the story that’s relevant to Trump would be found in chapter 11, right?  Once you read it, you will clearly see why so many Christians support Donald Trump despite all the accusations he’s facing.

In the spring of the year, the time when kings go out to battle, David sent out his army, but he stayed behind to relax and go on Twitter.  

One day, he was hanging out on the rooftop of his palace when he saw a lady taking a bath on the rooftop of her house.  Her name was Bathsheba.  David had no idea that Bathsheba was married to one of his soldiers, Uriah the Hittite.  He also had no idea that Bathsheba and Uriah were deep state operatives.

Her rooftop exhibitionism was the beginning of a treasonous plot to remove David from the throne. 

David fell into Bathsheba’s trap. He told a messenger to go to her house and bring her to the palace. He wanted to invite her to compete in the Miss Israel Pageant, which he put on every year. It was going to be a totally innocent conversation.

When she arrived at the palace, though, Bathsheba seduced David and they went to bed together.  She conceived a child.   

She did this because she wanted to entrap David in a sin which would cause God to take the throne away from him.  

Through all this, though, David was completely blameless.  In no way did he abuse his power or do anything wrong by sleeping with Bathsheba while her husband was off fighting in the army.  It was a perfectly innocent encounter on David’s part. 

What Bathsheba did, on the other hand, was utterly vile and corrupt.

Nevertheless, David got to thinking.  He wanted to make sure that this “nothing burger” didn’t blow up in his face or come back to haunt him in some way. There was no telling what the fake news media or the deep state were capable of, so he tried to cover his tracks.  

He summoned Uriah in to the palace for a chat.  Many, many people were around to hear the conversation.  Everyone was there.  How could David even consider saying anything wrong or inappropriate if a bunch of people were listening in?

David started by saying, “How’s it going, Uriah?”

Uriah said, “Good, King David.”

David continued, “Good.  Good.  I’m glad.  Listen.  I want you to do me a favor, though.  I want you to go home tonight.  I want you to put on some comfortable clothes, light a few candles, make your wife a nice dinner.  Open up a bottle of wine.  Spend the night at home with your wife before you go back out to the battlefield.”

Uriah said “okay” and left.  He didn’t follow the king’s orders, though. He did not go home to his wife.  Instead, he slept in the doorway of David’s palace, along with all of the servants.  

The servants notified David of this, so he found Uriah and asked, “Why didn’t you go home to your wife?”

He replied, “All of my fellow soldiers are sleeping out on the battlefield in the cold.  How could I go to my comfortable home and spend the night with my wife?  I could never do such a thing.”

It was all a cover-up, though.  What he was really doing that night was snooping around David’s palace and eavesdropping on him. He was compiling a dossier full of incriminating information. He was going to use that dossier to manufacture a scandal which would rock the nation, cost David key support in the swing states, and lead to his removal as king.  

Since David could not convince Uriah to go home to Bathsheba, he sent him back out to the battlefield, along with a sealed letter to give to his commanding officer.  

The letter said this: “Line up all your soldiers to fight the enemy.  Put Uriah the Hittite up front. Command everyone to suddenly retreat and go home.  There is one catch: don’t tell Uriah the Hittite about this plan.”

At the next battle, David’s army lined up to fight.  On cue, everyone retreated, leaving Uriah alone on the battlefield.  The enemy army killed him right away.

David did this because he wanted to bring the troops home.  He was sick and tired of fighting endless wars.  

He left Uriah behind because he was originally from the area where the battle was being fought.  He figured that Uriah would want to stay in his homeland, no matter how dangerous and deadly it might be.

Uriah’s death was a total accident.  David had nothing to do with it.  He just wanted to get his troops out of there.  

If Uriah wanted to fight the enemy all by himself, he could.  It was up to him.  He was no angel, after all.  

It’s like kids out in the yard.  Just let them fight. Ten thousand against one.

Back at the palace, Bathsheba was signing a non-disclosure agreement.  David gave her a cash payment and admitted to no fault of his own.  Bathsheba agreed to never talk about what had happened.

Little did David know, though, that Bathsheba had her fingers crossed when she signed the non-disclosure agreement.

Right away, she started blabbing about her affair with David.  The first person she told was a high-ranking official at the palace named Nathan Schiff.  Nathan took the information about the king and ran with it.

He gathered the entire nation of Israel and announced, “There were two men in a certain city, the one rich and the other poor.  The rich man had many flocks and herds, but the poor man had nothing but one little lamb.  The lamb lived with him, ate from his table, and drank from his cup.  It was like a daughter to him.  Now there came a visitor to the rich man, and he was unwilling to take an animal from his own flocks and herds.  Instead, he took the poor man’s lamb, slaughtered it, and prepared it for his guest.”

At that moment, Bathsheba cried out, “That’s terrible! That’s just like what David did to me and my poor husband!  He took advantage of me and got me pregnant, then he had my husband killed!”

David spoke up, saying, “Fake news!  Bathsheba took advantage of ME!  She’s part of the deep state and her husband was, too.  She wasn’t supposed to go around talking about me.  She signed a non-disclosure agreement.  Also, don’t forget about executive privilege! My actions were perfect.  I was bringing home the troops.  She is a nasty woman and Pencil-Neck Nathan completely fabricated that phony story about the rich man, the poor man, and the sheep.  It’s all totally untrue. Besides, this is the strongest economy we’ve ever had!  If the poor man in the story would just wait for the GDP to grow by 4 to 6 percent annually for a couple of decades, his wages will eventually go up and he can buy another sheep!  That was a treasonous story that Pencil-Neck Nathan told.  It’s really horrible!  Just making things up— you shouldn’t do that.  It’s totally false and untrue.  What they’re doing is, they’re trying to take down your king. Wake up, everybody!”

David called on his supporters to start a civil war. They did.  They beat their plowshares into AR-15’s and they drove away all of David’s enemies who were conducting a witch hunt against him.

David was completely innocent of all wrongdoing. And if he did do anything wrong, it was only because he had to defend himself against all the phony and malicious accusations that people were making.  

David will always be remembered as the greatest king ever, a truly stable genius, and a man after God’s own heart.

 

That story from 2 Samuel chapter 11 certainly puts it all in perspective for me.  No wonder so many Christians are standing with Donald Trump against impeachment!  

They saw in this Bible passage that a true leader retreats from foreign enemies, leaves innocent people in harm’s way, and relentlessly attacks friends and close advisors.

A true leader lives by a moral double standard. Whatever they do is right, by definition. The actions of others can only be right if they work in the leader’s favor. Anything that goes against the leader’s interests is considered vile, corrupt, and disloyal. This is true, even if the leader has done the exact same thing in the past.

Finally, a true leader never admits to wrongdoing of any kind.  

If this is what the Bible teaches, then no wonder so many Christians are against impeaching Donald Trump! He’s following the Good Book to a “T” (and you already know what the “T” stands for).