Yesterday, as part of the impeachment inquiry into Trump, Ambassador Gordon Sondland answered questions in a closed-door session with Congress.  He publicly released his opening statement, which summarizes his side of the Ukraine story.  Over the course of 18 pages, it takes some interesting twists and turns.  Here are the most suspicious-sounding statements he made:

1. My only interaction with Rudy Giuliani was a few phone calls.

2. I do not recall what I discussed with Rudy Giuliani during those phone calls.

3. Each phone call lasted just a few minutes.

4. We never discussed specifics about the work we were both doing in Ukraine.  We mainly just passed the time.

5. The only reason I’m acknowledging that I’ve spoken with Rudy Giuliani is because The New York Times has reported on it.

6. Regarding the text conversation I had with two other U.S. ambassadors-- to be clear, I did not suddenly stop texting because I was afraid of leaving a digital record.  I told them, “Call me,” in my final text, ONLY because all of the sudden, I remembered that I personally prefer talking on the phone, as opposed to texting.  It’s a much better way to discuss all of the nuances and details of diplomatic work.  

7. That being said, I’d like to remind you that during my phone calls with Rudy Giuliani, we never discussed any nuances.  Or details. We mostly just passed the time.  We talked about the weather, I think.

8.   As for Fiona Hill, the former White House official who tattled on me to the White House counsel’s office—what’s the deal with her?  She never addressed any concerns to me.  If she didn’t confront me personally, then how could I have done anything wrong?  Think about it.  If someone sees you committing a crime and they don’t verbally TELL you that you just committed a crime, can the authorities really bring charges against you? Can they put you in jail?  I don’t think they can.  It’s like calling shotgun in the car.  Somebody has to call it, otherwise it doesn’t count.

9. Honestly, all of this Ukraine stuff is news to me.  The first I heard about anything questionable happening was when I read about it in The New York Times.

10. I am the U.S. ambassador to the European Union.  President Trump assigned me to help out with Ukraine, even though Ukraine is not part of the E.U.  Despite receiving this special assignment, no one informed me about any specifics that were going on.  They never told me any of the plans regarding Ukraine.  Not Trump, not Giuliani.  No one.  It was weird.

11. Nevertheless, I worked around the clock for months on end, trying desperately to implement these plans of which I was not aware.  

12. The first time I became aware of what President Trump wanted from Ukraine was when I read about it in The New York Times.

13. In my (very few, very limited) conversations with Rudy Giuliani, I DID learn that President Trump wanted President Zelensky of Ukraine to investigate a company called Burisma.  So there’s that.  But I had no idea that Joe Biden’s son, Hunter, had been on Burisma’s board.  All of the Biden stuff?  That’s news to me.  It’s funny, I only learned about the Biden connection to Burisma a few weeks ago in The New York Times.  

14. You want me to talk more about those incriminating text messages that I sent and received?  I can’t imagine why.  I wasn’t even aware of those text messages until The New York Times published them.  If I can’t remember the text messages, can you really count them against me?

15. I once called President Trump on the phone.  He told me that there was absolutely no quid pro quo with Ukraine.  Plus, he was in a bad mood.  It was probably because he’s sick of always having to tell people, “No quid pro quo.”  It’s kind of a tongue twister.

16. Anyway, quid pro quo happens all the time in foreign policy.  Remember when Barack Obama said he would set aside a foreign policy issue with Russia until after the election?  That sounds like he was asking for foreign interference in a U.S. election, doesn’t it?  Quid pro quo!  Everybody does it.

17. Here’s another interesting point.  Are we even sure that there is such a thing as “foreign” interference?  I mean, are any countries truly “foreign” countries? Aren’t we all just one big sea of humanity?  Aren’t we all in this together?  What’s a little leg up here and there?  Extorting another country to help you smear your opponent in an election?  It’s practically straight out of the “Sermon on the Mount.”

18. Some guy from the State Department said I was one of the “three amigos” who were in charge of Ukraine policy.  I admit, we worked outside of normal protocols.  We tried to manufacture a quid pro quo.  We tried to get dirt on Joe Biden in exchange for aid money.  The thing is, if I didn’t do this crime— if I didn’t try to get Zelensky to cough up the dirt— Trump was never going to invite Zelensky to the White House.  And a White House visit is Zelensky’s dream.  Who am I to crush the poor guy’s dream?  Basically, I had to commit the crime.

19.  As far as the most damning details of the quid pro quo scheme—I was unaware of those details the whole time I was involved.  I only learned about the really damning details when they came out in The New York Times.  I thought I had been participating in a quid pro quo scheme that involved much less-damning details.  I’m an innocent bystander, basically.

20.  Wait.  Did you just say that I am the U.S. ambassador to the European Union?  I was unaware of that information until just now, when you told it to me.

21. This is ALL news to me.  All of it.

22. I will be sure to read The New York Times every day from now on so that I can learn all of the things that have happened in my life, especially in regards to the job that you say I’ve been doing, for what?  The past two or three years?  That’s crazy!  I had no idea.  I really need to make sure I keep up with The New York Times so that I can learn all about my life and the work that I do on a daily basis.

23. The bottom line is, I know nothing.  Please don’t put me in jail.  I didn’t do the bad thing.  Somebody else might have done the bad thing, but I don’t know who it was.  I’m just like everyone else.  I’m waiting for the information to come out in The New York Times.

24. Thank you for giving me the chance to speak with you today.  Now, I would like to get back to doing my job.  You know, the job that President Trump gave me after I donated one million dollars to his inaugural committee.  By the way, I didn’t know that I had gotten the job until I read about it in The New York Times.  I spoke with Mr. Trump a few times on the phone about my big donation, but the job offer never came up.  See?  I told you I never hear about any specific details when I converse with people on the phone.  Ask Rudy.  He knows. 

Speaking of Rudy, he might be able to give you some useful information.  You should call him in here sometime! 

[This list is a spoof.  You can read Gordon Sondland’s actual opening statement here.  If you take a look at it, though, I think you’ll see that my spoof isn’t too far off.]